Divine Tutelage.

We recently returned from almost 3 weeks of being gone over Christmas break.  I feel like it was such a time of divine tutelage and learning and I want to record some thoughts.

The day before we were supposed to leave for St. Louis the transmission on the van seemed to be slipping.  We felt like it'd be best to take the van to a transmission shop for diagnosis (where they told us not to take it on the road) and that we should rent a vehicle for our weekend trip.  Those details fell in to place relatively smoothly and we felt blessed that this had all happened BEFORE we set out for St. Louis.  We spent Saturday evening taking part in some of our favorite Christmas time traditions there in town, buying a new nativity from the Catholic Supply Store, having dinner at Lion's Choice, getting concretes from Ted Drewes and attempting to drive down Candy Cane Lane.  We spent the night at the Baileys (it was so great to reconnect with their family), attended church at the St. Louis Hills Ward, visited at the Brandt's house afterwards then had dinner and spent the night at the Hintze's.  It was all lovely.  Then in the middle of the night on Sunday, Lij had a meltdown.  We were all downstairs sleeping in the Hintze's basement and I really didn't want you to wake up your siblings or any of the Hintzes upstairs.  Long story short you wouldn't let me calm you down, as nicely as I tried, and were insisting on Dad to help.  I laid back down on my twin mattress and was fuming inside.  The adversary REALLY weaseled his way in to my mind and heart and the next several minutes were some of the darkest of my life.  Thoughts flashed through my head of how I wasn't loved, how you kids would be better without me, that I shouldn't even want to live any more.  Really horrible, horrible thoughts.  I felt so bombarded and trapped in my own mind and wanted to ask Dad for a blessing, but felt powerless to.  Thankfully a few minutes later he asked me if he could give me a blessing.  I want to note that he mentioned the poisonous and destructive thoughts that I was having.  He also mentioned that all that I was doing as a mother was so important and that God was aware of every effort I made even if no one else seemed to be.  The experience made me realize that the devil is so sly at exploiting our weaknesses and twisting facts in his favor; he takes 5% of reality and makes it seem like the majority. In any case, I was so grateful for Dad being in tune and worthy to give me a blessing in my great time of need.  Not long after that Brie woke up sick and threw up for the remainder of the night.  Dad was the one who helped her the most, but I woke up in despair.  Having a child sick at a friends house the night before we were supposed to fly out was honestly like a nightmare to me.  So many discouraging thoughts were running through my head, but having already felt of God's help and concern with the previously mentioned situations, I desired to turn my heart more to Him this time.  Sickness is something I have feared.  It is out of my control.  You can have everything seemingly in place and then sickness comes along and wrecks things.  At least that is how I have viewed it.  BUT this time, Brie being sick brought me to my knees, it humbled me and caused me to rely on the Lord.  I felt like I had left my country where I'm in control and entered God's country.  I spent the morning with a a constant prayer in my heart, knowing that it would be up to His grace and help that we would be able to fly to Utah.  I prayed, as I often do when traveling with you kids, to have angels help us along the way...though this time I pleaded for it and readily watched for angelic help.  It turned out to be such a sweet blessing.  It completely changed the way I viewed our day of travel.  I was particularly cognizant and aware of each individual who helped us with our bags, waited patiently for all 6 of us and ALL of our luggage, talked so kindly to us on the plane.  I felt very connected to Heaven and Heavenly Father's love as we made our way to Utah.  It was a divinely orchestrated start to our trip.  It helped to set a tone for the rest of the trip.  (There were several interactions and conversations that I was anxious about, but being more humble and teachable allowed me to broach them in a much more loving and Christ-like way.)

During the trip all of us were sick with at least one bug.  I needed to choose to have faith, to be flexible and to see the blessing in the sickness.  And again this first weekend home, Dad has been sick with a fever, aches and chills.  He and I both have said that we feel like it's the Lord helping us to enter His country, to teach us things that we would have missed or overlooked if we were able to speed along at our normal (at sometimes too hasty) cruising speed.  Oh how grateful I am for the spirit.  How grateful I am for the Lord who works to make all things for our learning and growth.  I am thankful for the way that He teaches in calm and loving ways that don't intimidate or overwhelm.  I'm grateful for the way I feel my soul stretching and my heart changing.  God is indeed good and I'm so grateful to be His daughter and for these sweet times in the workshop with Him.