Expedited workshop.

December and the beginning of January were rough for me.  There was so much going on to get us packed up and moved, then the holidays and getting settled and back in school right after.  I felt emotional and stressed and unhappy, BUT I wanted to have faith that God would help me through this part of the move too.  Thankfully the last week and a half or so things have been looking up.  I feel like we're getting settled, but beyond that I feel like the spirit has been teaching me so many things.  It's felt like an expedited workshop with lots of lessons to learn.  Though it was challenging (and still is in ways), I am very thankful for the companionship of the Holy Ghost and the way that He has been teaching me in the ways and with the timing that I've needed.

spilled jalapeno pepper juice.

The picture is blurry, but that's about how it looked through my teary eyes.

Last week it was lunch time and I had informed you boys that we were having leftovers.  You were complaining--which is too often the case :0/--and insisting on having sandwiches.  I was trying to get food for Aimee and in the meantime you boys open the fridge and started getting out sandwich fixings.  Elijah, you grabbed for what you thought was the jar of pickles.  Somehow the jar slipped from your little hands and dropped on the tile floor, causing pickled jalapeno peppers & juice and glass to fly everywhere.  I could only imagine how painful it would be if one of you stepped on the glass and in the puddle of jalapeno pepper juice so I shouted to NOT move.  You both froze, but there was hesitation and it looked like you were both about to take a step so I barked out to STOP!!  Thankfully you did and I quickly scooped both of you up and set you on the counter top so I could clean up.  I wasn't mad that you had dropped it, in the sense that I know accidents happened, but I was overwhelmed by the project of sufficiently cleaning it up so that no one would could cut and so crawling Aimee wouldn't happen upon the juice and have it get in to her eyes or something.  And I was frustrated by the feeling that you often don't listen to me.  How am I supposed to protect you if you don't listen promptly and do what I've asked??  In any case, the barking orders to keep you safe and exasperated sigh was misinterpreted by you two as me being mad at you and in a defensive way, as you sat on top the counter, you started saying things like, "I won't invite you to my next birthday!" (this is one of the most popular ones you boys use, ironically you wouldn't have a birthday party if I wasn't throwing one for you in the first place) or "I'm going to get my truck and drive away with Dad, Brie, Lij, Aimee and NOT you!"  Alex was the instigator and Ljj you are Mr. Repeat.  My eyes started getting misty, hearing these things in stereo, albeit well-intentioned, wishing I had handled the situation more lovingly, hearing, "they will remember how you made them felt" playing through my head.  I melted in to tears and started to sob.  I sobbed as I sopped up the puddle and picked up the glass.  I sobbed as I swept up the entire floor (finding glass all the way over in the family room!).  You boys could tell I was upset, but I wasn't talking to you because I was too overcome with emotion and distraught.  Once again you took this in the wrong way and continued saying things that conveyed that you would leave me here and wouldn't include me.  I tried to pay it no attention for fear that I would get angry and it just made you, Alex in particular, feel more rejected.  At one point you spit on me as I past.  That was the last straw.  I picked you both up and set  you outside on the back patio, through angry and hurt tears telling you that I would not tolerate that behavior, that it was SO hurtful!  I shut the door and continued to cry, barely able to see the floor through my tears.  Thankfully I was texting Dad and giving him a play-by-play and his words helped me to not get swallowed up in the moment.

But the situation sure got me thinking.  I felt SO SO hurt and unloved.  It made me think of my family: Bompa & Mémé, Aunt Emmie, Aunt Rachie, Uncle Matt and Uncle Tim.  There had been a LOT of inner hurt, frustrations, misunderstandings and emotional pain during my childhood.  In that moment I thought of each member of my family and what we had each experienced and endured.  I longed for us to find healing.  To be able to come to peace with the turmoil we lived with, to find greater love, compassion and understanding for each other.  I thought of the trip we have coming up to a ranch in Colorado and with hope and excitement thought of the chance to interact with my parents and siblings.  

In the end, Alex, you peeked your head through the door and asked if you guys could help.  I was so grateful for you reaching out to make things right.  We ended up talking calmly, me explaining how hurtful your words and behavior had been.  Talking about how I just wanted to keep you safe from danger and pain.  We said a prayer together and hugged and the world was right again.

Let's be Kind when we Remind.

This morning at breakfast Elijah wasn't catching his cough.  Brie and Alex, you were nagging him and reminding him to catch his cough, but in a not-so-kind way.  (Unfortunately, you've seen me model such behavior too frequently.)  I had just been talking to Dad about how our thoughts can either bully us leaving us de-energized and with feelings of despair and hopelessness or invigorate, motivate and bring us hope.  I wanted to somehow convey this idea to you kids--this is what came to mind:

Imagine that someone has the hard job of laying brick to make a wall.  It's something that doesn't come naturally to them and the sun is beating down, making the task at hand even more burdensome.  You come along and see that the person laying bricks doesn't seem to be doing a very good job.  You have two choices.  You can come to them and demean them verbally for their {in your mind "poor"} efforts while kicking around their tools and knocking down the small wall that was once standing OR  you can come with kindness, a cool drink & a snack, helping to provide some extra energy and support.  You could acknowledge all that they've already done, and if you have skills & expertise to build a wall, you might even offer some tools or tips that would help the job along.  How different the outcome would be for each of these scenarios!  Which would help to get the wall built??

I admitted to you kids that I have often reminded with meanness and if you see me doing that, to please remind me to be kind.  I hope that together we can turn this behavior around and remember that we're on the same team!

Flooded!

The day after getting home from Utah I went downstairs after lunch to put Elijah in the guest room for his nap.  As I was rounding the corner to head upstairs I felt damp carpet.  Maybe it was a spilled sippy cup?  I walked a few steps further and could tell that the carpet was squishy!  I ran over to the storage room door, flipped on the light and sure enough half of the room was flooded.  What in the world had happened, I thought.  It turns out that the boys had been playing with the hose while I was upacking and unbeknownst to me they had stuck the hose down the exhaust vent and had flooded our water heater!  I couldn't believe that our house didn't flood when left to the crazy Midwest elements for an entire month, but within 24 hours of being home my two little boys flood the storage room!  

It took us hours AND hours to relocate items from the storage room, vacuum up water, cut out padding, remove a baseboard and dry out the carpet AND cost us about $800 to repair the damage, but thank goodness it wasn't worse.  Our neighbor's basement flooded while we were gone and they had to rip out and replace ALL of their basement carpet.  We had several people come in repair the water heater and restretch the carpet and the thought came to me that perhaps those opportunities were a chance for us to share the gospel.  Honestly all the hassle and money would be worth it if it meant bringing someone closer to Christ and His gospel!

One of the boys' consequences (no longer get to play with hose, didn't get to go to Six Flags) was helping to vacuum the carpet once it was relaid.  I had a sweet moment helping you little Lij to drag around the much-taller-than-you vacuum.  Several times you glanced up at me with a content little grin.  It made me think of how our Father feels as we come to Him to repent and make right the wrong that we've done.  He's happy to work on it with us!

Learning Humility.

(Tomorrow I will be speaking in sacrament meeting.  I just finished typing up the text for my talk and thought I would post it here in case it is food for thought for someone else.)

Humility

Since last week when I got the call to speak on humility I’ve been thinking about what I could say today.  Every time I sat down to write my talk, nothing would come.  The few ideas that did come to mind were disjointed and awkward.  I started praying a little more fervently, asking to know what Heavenly Father would have me say.  As the words began to come, I was reminded of my great dependence on the Lord and I thought of the scripture in John 5:30 where Jesus said, “I can of mine own self do nothing…”  How grateful I am that the Lord takes our best yet feeble efforts and magnifies and prospers them! 

While preparing to speak today, I looked up the meaning of the words MEEKNESS and HUMILITY.  Although I’ve grown up hearing the word meek, I honestly couldn’t say that I knew what it meant.  As I’ve googled, and read a bit here and there, the best definition I could find is that meekness is strength that we have learned to control.  Meekness does not mean weakness.  True meekness does not resemble a mouse or a door mat, but rather a strong individual who wisely chooses to act calmly and with gentleness.

I will be the first to admit that meekness has not been strength of mine.  I grew up with a fiery spirit, often on a soap box, trying to aggressively assert my opinion.  About a decade ago I met a woman who seemed to have equally strong opinions but voiced them with a calm and caring demeanor.  It dawned on me that it isn’t always the loudest voice that is heard and that I may have missed opportunities to influence others for good because my strength was not tempered.  I can see why our Savior who described himself as meek and lowly in heart (Matthew 11:29) invites us to seek meekness.

While I read a quote by Neal A. Maxwell, where he eloquently expounds upon this idea, I want us to envision the often self-imposed and worldly expectations as heavy baggage that we sometimes carry.  Elder Maxwell states, “Happily, the commandment “Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart” (Matthew 11:29) carries an accompanying and compensating promise from Jesus—“and ye shall find rest unto your souls.” This is a very special form of rest. It surely includes the rest resulting from the shedding of certain needless burdens: fatiguing insincerity, exhausting hypocrisy, and the strength-sapping quest for recognition, praise, and power. Those of us who fall short, in one way or another, often do so because we carry such unnecessary and heavy baggage. Being thus overloaded, we sometimes stumble and then feel sorry for ourselves.  We need not carry such baggage. However, when we’re not meek, we resist the informing voice of conscience and feedback from family, leaders, and friends. Whether from preoccupation or pride, the warning signals go unnoticed or unheeded. However, if sufficient meekness is in us, it will not only help us to jettison unneeded burdens, but will also keep us from becoming mired in the ooze of self-pity. Furthermore, true meekness has a metabolism that actually requires very little praise or recognition.”

How many of us flourish by the praise of the world, but are offended and defensive at any criticism or suggestions we’re given?  Are we perhaps relying on the wrong sources for input and approval?

Elder Soares in his conference address entitled “Be Meek and Lowly of Heart” said that, “The humble are teachable, recognizing how dependent they are on God and desiring to be subject to His will.”

Several years ago I was starting out as a student instructor of a French 101 class.  The head supervising teacher was from France and was notorious for her rigorous expectations.  Before she reviewed my first teaching evaluation with me I prayed.  I knew that whether constructive or not I had typically been easily bruised and disheartened by criticism and was worried about the impending encounter.  The thought came to me that it would be important to be soft-heartened and teachable otherwise her critiques would come across as painful and breaking blows.  Her page and a half of comments was initially overwhelming, but as I took each one in stride, with the help of the spirit to temper me, I was able to become a better and more capable French teacher.  The correction I feared was what ultimately helped me to excel.

A similar progression is expected of us as disciples of Christ.  In  Elder Soares suggests that, “As we take Christ’s name upon us, it is expected that we strive to emulate His attributes and change our character to become more like Him each day. Meekness is vital for us to become more Christlike.”  For, in part, the way that we react to people directly affects our progress as disciples.  Elder Soares invites us to think for a few seconds about that correlation, “how [do] you react when someone does not comply with your desires the moment you want them to[?] What about when people disagree with your ideas, even though you are absolutely sure that they represent the proper solution to a problem? What is your response when someone offends you, critiques your efforts, or is simply unkind because he or she is in a bad mood? At these moments and in other difficult situations, we must learn to control our temper and convey our feelings with patience and gentle persuasion.”  I honestly felt a little defeated when I first heard that list of questions.  It was obvious that I had a long way to go in the meekness department.  But I love what the Apostle Paul taught that meekness is a fruit of the Spirit.4 Therefore, it can most easily be attained if we “live in the Spirit.”  The companionship of the spirit is key to any progress, change and growth! 

Yesterday we attended the baptism and confirmation for our friends’ son.  I couldn’t help but think what an absolute blessing it is to have the gift of the Holy Ghost.  I love that we can attain Christ-like virtues as “we live in the spirit.”  It almost makes me think of being immersed in a second language. It may feel unnatural and be challenging at first, but as we try our best to learn and push forward, eventually things will start clicking.  We may not feel that meekness is a current strength, but with time, especially as we are immersed in the spirit, we can be blessed with this gift.  We can learn to react calmly, respond gently, and have greater control of ourselves.  We will be more able to take the constructive correction and suggestions of others and be all the better for it.

This process involves being lowly of heart.  Jeffrey R. Holland’s wife, Patricia, gave a fabulous address at Brigham Young University on these two virtues (Becoming Meek and Lowly in Heart).  In it she mentions a conversation that she had had with her father several years previous.  Her father had said, “Confidence is a great blessing to anyone who has it. But Jeff [Elder Holland] is also smart enough to know what to have confidence in. Both of you need to remember that your greatest strength and surest success will come through humility and dependence upon the Lord.”  Sister Holland continues her address to the body of college students, “I have thought a lot about my father’s wisdom, especially now when it seems our society appears to value success and the whole self-image package at almost any price. Meekness and lowliness in heart are certainly not characteristics any contemporary young urban professional would want to claim. Instead, it seems that these young men and women want to be regarded as totally confident in manner, dependent upon no one, assertive, and excessively protective of their image of self…” 

Although she was speaking to young students here, do any of us fall in the same trap?  Where more than anything we want to come across as confident and independent?  I know I often do!  I want to share a personal experience from a few years ago when we were living in St. Louis.  Bryan was busy working on his PhD and I was keeping busy with Brie and Alex.  I thought things were fine.  I was trying so hard to juggle the various plates in my life and was keeping busy.  It wasn't until one day when I found myself in what felt like such a humiliating situation, that I fell to my knees and sobbed to my Heavenly Father...muttering that I couldn't do it anymore and that my best efforts had failed me.  I felt like my little world had come crashing down.  Although I tend to overreact and get emotional about things, in a way things had fallen apart, and that was OK because it brought me to my knees...and brought me finally to the Lord.  As I prayed my humiliation turned to humility.  I felt the Lord's love for me.  I felt that with His help, IF I continued to turn to Him, that He and I could pick up the pieces and make something better than was before.  For honestly the first time in my life I really felt a connection with the phrase "a broken heart and contrite spirit."  Although it’s never fun to reach rock bottom in any aspect of life, I was grateful that this last straw had brought me to my Heavenly Father.  It had helped to humble me enough to turn to Him for help, finally willing to hear Him out and do what He saw fit.  There is great strength that comes when we turn our will to the Lord.  After all, He is the master architect, carpenter, creator.  He knows when things need to be torn down or changed.  He sees what can be created with diligent effort and how to make it a reality. 

Sister Holland related a similar sentiment, saying “Indeed, I have come to realize that my own personal promptings from the Lord most often occur when I have been brought down into the depths of humility and suddenly feel a lot less confident in my own ability and much more dependent upon the Lord. He certainly uses my pain as his megaphone for an otherwise dull ear. I am beginning to see that the very experiences I would have chosen to run away from at the time have really been the major motivational turning points in my life.”

Just yesterday morning it felt like life was caving in on me.  I was filled with negative thoughts, I was feeling bad for the way I had been acting and wasn’t sure how to move forward.  I broke down in tears in the middle of my closet and prayed for my Father’s help.  As always, he came to my aid.  Oh how I need Him!

I love the definition of humility given in True to the Faith, (2004), 86–87 “To be humble is to recognize gratefully your dependence on the Lord—to understand that you have constant need for His support. Humility is an acknowledgment that your talents and abilities are gifts from God. It is not a sign of weakness, timidity, or fear; it is an indication that you know where your true strength lies. You can be both humble and fearless. You can be both humble and courageous.”

I am such a visual person and am forever thinking of analogies.  When I hear the word strength I think of power and electricity.  Bear with me for a second :0)  Imagine that being proud is like a light bulb claiming its brilliance in making its own light.  When in reality it must be plugged in to the source of electricity to shine at all.  When we are humble and recognize the source of our power we are much more likely to stay connected to the source and will then have the ability to brightly shine forth.

President Kimball had the key to (re)establishing this connection with God:

First, you evaluate yourself. What am I? I am the circle. I am the hole in the doughnut. I would be nothing without the Lord. My breath, my brains, my hearing, my sight, my locomotion, my everything depends upon the Lord. That is the first step and then we pray, and pray often, and we will not get up from our knees until we have communicated. The line may be down; we may have let it fall to pieces, but I will not get up from my knees until I have established communication—if it is twenty minutes, if it is all night like Enos. . . . If it takes all day long, you stay on your knees until your unhumbleness has dissipated, until you feel the humble spirit and realize, “I could die this minute if it were not for the Lord’s good grace. I am dependent upon him—totally dependent upon him.” [TSWK pp. 233–34]

I was recently reading a blog by Sarah Short of Short Stop Blog.  As mother of five she was responding to the frequent question that she gets, “How do you do it with 5 kids??”  Although she is referring to motherhood, I think her words can apply to each of us in our various situations.

 “I'm maxed totally maxed out…

But, mothering is easier for me now than it used to be. For one reason: I need God more.

I need him in the morning, at noon and at night. I need him to wipe my tears when my baby won't let me sleep at night. I need him to calm my heart when I'm changing bed sheets at 2 a.m. I need him to keep my children safe because I only have two hands and one set of eyes, and crossing a parking lot means holding on tight, but it also means letting go of "I can do this" and trading it for "God, you are with me, and you love them, too."

I need him to help me trade my doing for his doing.

I need his patience.

I need his joy.

I need his love.”

She goes on to say that she use to flail, “about amidst all of that and tried to raise my children in the Land of I Can Do This.

[God] He's taught me that he loves my children more than I do, and he loves to hear my voice calling out to him and letting him fill me with strength and wisdom and love and joy for my children.”

Whatever it is that we do each day, whether it’s going to school, putting in long hours at work, trying to stay on top of our households, making ends meet, serving others, taking care of our families, striving to make changes, trying to make a difference in the world…whatever it is, remember that we will always be better off when the Lord is in the equation.  Humbly turning to Him will ALWAYS be our best bet.  Isn’t it ironic that we’re better off when we realize that we can’t do it all?  That it’s NOT all up to us?  But it’s true.

President Lorenzo Snow, the fifth prophet of our dispensation, taught, “It is our duty to try to be perfect, … to improve each day, and look upon our course last week and do things better this week; do things better today than we did them yesterday.”11 So the first step to becoming meek is to improve day by day. Each day we need to try to be better than the previous as we move forward through this process.”

In closing I want to share one of my favorite quotes, “Do the best until you know better then when you know better, do better.” (Maya Angelou)  As we each strive to be more like Jesus Christ through meekness and humility, I pray that we will choose to turn to the Lord and know that is through Him that we can do all things!  Let us remember that, “I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me (Phillipians 4:13).

Parenting...

...{with a new baby and two little busy boys} is not for the faint of heart.  Overall things have been going well, especially with Aimee, but Alex and Lij have been giving us a run for our money.  For some reason the two of you together has meant mischief and messes lately, and it seems like if you are left unattended at all that you get in to trouble.  Yesterday you were sent to your room for throwing rocks at the house.  While in timeout you strew a pack of diaper wipes around the room and had to stay in your room longer.  Five minutes later I go back to find that you'd gotten the bottle of pet & accident odor remover spray from a tall shelf..it was all over Roo, the walls and floor and was completely empty.  After removing everything from your floor and leaving you to finish your timeout I come back to decorations being taken off of the walls.  Sometimes it seems like there is no stopping you!  I totally lost it.  It was one of my worst monster mom moments (thankfully it's been a long time since I've reacted that badly).  I was so frustrated for acting that way, but also for you putting me in that position.  Thankfully the rest of the afternoon went better (Alex & I had a nice heart to heart about him being a big boy and example for his younger siblings) , but today has been another day of many sad choices and consequences on your part.  I've handled it a lot more calmly (probably in part because dad's worked from home today and has been helping out), but I wish that you would stop constantly testing you boundaries. It is tiring.  Dad & I finally decided on and bought a video monitor.  He set up one camera last night in your room and the other at the bottom of the stairs so we can monitor you kids while you're in the basement.  It has a two way talk feature.  Today during one of your timeouts Dad brought the monitor down to where I was sitting and we watched you boys to make sure you wouldn't make a mess.  At one point Elijah looked like he might take his diaper off so Dad advised him over the monitor.  It was so funny to see you boys look around in confusion and then realize that the voice was coming from the camera mounted above the door.  We were getting quite the kick out of the new system.  At least it got us laughing; we can use some comic relief these days!

Last night while nursing I came upon a blog post where a mom describes a typical day when her kids were young, and how she felt such highs and lows.  I can definitely relate.  Like this morning when I went to get Lij out of his peapod and he announced that he'd taken off his {duct taped} diaper and peed on his jammies and bedding.  Lovely.  But then several hours later when he and I went to retrieve his now clean blankie from the dryer and how joyfully he was saying, "my blankie!...it's warm!"  I couldn't help but smile at your chubby two year old fingers grasping your beloved blankie with a big dimpled smile on your face as we walked up the stairs for nap time.  Ups and downs for sure.  This time is challenging in so many ways, but we're making it, and through it all I sure do love these kids of mine.

loving example.

Alex, yesterday I was cleaning out my over-the-desk cupboards (thank you dear nesting instinct!!) and came across your little wooden fishing pole with a red weight on the end (did we accidentally inherit this from nursery?!).  You were excited to be reunited with it, but I made sure to remind you to be careful with it and to make sure to not hit anything or anyone.  All was well for about 10 minutes, you happily swung the fishing pole as you circled the main floor.  Then you sat down at the foot of the stairs and continued swinging it.  Somehow Lij's head accidentally got hit with the weight and he started crying.  I wasn't frustrated about the accident, but I was a bit maddened by the fact that you just kept swinging it instead of stopping to see if he was OK.  I overreacted and handled the situation poorly, leaving you in tears.  Thankfully I came to my senses quickly (which isn't always the case) and sat down beside you to give you a hug and apologize.  [I recently got a suggestion from a blog about more meaningful apologies: apologizing specifically for what you did, stating why it was wrong, what you will do next time and asking for forgiveness.  I've been trying to put it into practice this week here at home.]  It was my turn to think about what I did and to ask for your forgiveness.  As I was voicing through the various steps of my apology Elijah stopped crying, quietly came over to you and stroked you on the head, saying, "buddy, buddy."  I was so touched that he had been the one {accidentally} hurt, held no malice, and was now just moments later making sure that you were OK.  What a lesson that was to me of truly loving someone.  What a special love your little brother Lij has for you; he looks up to you so much!  I'm grateful for these lessons that I'm learning from each of you kids and am grateful for your willingness to forgive me along the way.

Lessons to learn.

30 August 2014
Last week on the morning of our 7th anniversary we got a positive on a pregnancy test.  We were hoping to get pregnant and were both very excited to find out such news on such a special day!  As the week went on, still glowing inwardly about my pregnancy, I was also bracing for the impending morning sickness.  Usually I have about a week before the nausea hits.  This time round it was five days.  Today is Sunday, just a little over a week since our anniversary and 3 1/2 days down, 53 1/2 to go before I'll probably feel much relief.  I rarely throw up, and haven't yet, but it feels like I'm living with the flu all day long.  Sometimes sleep is an escape, if the waves of nausea don't keep me awake.  In any case, this is the start of a very challenging season for me.  I feel bad even mentioning it because I know there are a myriad women who would be magnificent mothers but who are unable to get pregnant.  There are women who get pregnant and deal with extreme sickness and even hospitalization for much if not all of their pregnancy.  And still there are the individuals who deal with chronic pain and sickness for years and years of their lives :0(  Maybe in light of that knowledge I am trying to be more of a fighter this time around...fight to do more than moan and complain, fight to see the joy, fight to see past my own discomfort, fight to do more than just survive, fight to come to know my God better.

This morning as I was crying to Bry, already feeling overwhelmed by the prospects of the next few months, I received an email from a friend where she shared an answered prayer and thanked me for being an example of faith and living with happiness.  I laughed out loud and said, if only she could see the pathetic state I'm in now, not really an example of faith or happiness.  Little did my friend know that she was infusing ME with the faith that I needed today.

A few hours later I received a family email that Grandpa Stevenson had sent out with advice for his family.  It included some words about learning with joy.  What timely advice!

I was just watching a few Mormon Messages and came across one that I've seen a handful of times, about Nie Nie's (Stephanie Nielson) new life after her plane crash.  I was struck by the way that she said she is not her body, but particularly touched by the quote at the end by Elder Holland about how we may be the closest to God when we are suffering.  It got me thinking about a question I've asked myself hundreds of times, why does first trimester have to be SO challenging?!  The answer that came  to my mind is  that it is a time of sanctification.  Bringing a child into the world is such a holy and sacred thing.  The first few months can either be a time of extreme discomfort or a time of coming to the Lord through our discomfort.

It also makes me think of fasting.  Each time our stomach grumbles in protest and hunger, it can remind us of the wonderful blessings we are petitioning the Lord for.  Each wave of nausea can remind me of the wonderful blessing the Lord is preparing me  to receive.  I guess like labor, I can either submit to the process and let it work the necessary changes within me or I can fight against it.

I think it'll be important to fill my spare time with uplifting things.  Here are a few other such things I've come across today and wanted to include:

I just read a quote in the September 2014 Ensign by Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf,

“We can choose to be grateful, no matter what.
“This type of gratitude tran- scends whatever is happening around
us. It surpasses disappointment, discouragement, and despair. It blooms just as beautifully in the icy landscape of winter as it does in the pleasant warmth of summer. . . .
“. . . In pain, we can glory in Christ’s Atonement. In the cold of bitter sor- row, we can experience the closeness and warmth of heaven’s embrace.”
President Dieter F. Uchtdorf, Second Counselor in the First Presidency, “Grateful in Any Circumstances,” Ensign, May 2014, 75. 

Also a little clip on Tessa, a woman who is battling cancer for the second time and finding God in the process.

In any case, I pray that I can allow this process to sanctify me.

7 September 2014
Wow, we made it through a whole week!  WHAT A WEEK.
Basically Monday to Thursday I spent most of my time lying on the couch downstairs, trying to escape the extreme nausea and my extremely upset stomach through sleep.  The days crept by and I seriously wanted to die and cried to Bry every day that I didn't know how long I could keep it up.  Tuesday morning my SWEET visiting teacher Andrea watched the kids all morning, put the boys down for naps and read with Brie til almost 3.  Thursday morning she was lined up to come again to take the boys to her place for the day.  I was feeling so crummy, weak, tired and hopeless.  Bry decided to email my family to announce the news so they could be aware of what was going on and so they could call and cheer me up.  He also called my OB's nurse and left a message telling her about the fever going on almost a week and how sick I was feeling.   I talked to Rach and Mom and it was so great to have their support and love and hear their voices.  Rach even played her ukele and sang to me.  The nurse called back and advised that I go to instacare. Andrea ended up dropping the boys off at my other visiting teacher, Dusty's house where they stayed all day!!  What angels, eh?  Then she came and picked me up to take me to instacare.  It definitely was not instant care, it was 2 1/2 hours from arrival til we walked out the doors. The PA couldn't find any other signs or sickness or infection, so he thought the fever must be from a virus I was fighting.  But he did find ketones in my urine and asked when I had eaten last.  I told him that I had eaten a saltine just a few minutes earlier.  He said, "no, when did you last eat a meal?" I laughed, a meal...probably Sunday.  I had been feeling so horrible and sick that I could barely tolerate an occasional saltine, sipping powerade and an occasional few bites of trail mix to get trace amounts of protein.  He told me that I needed to eat and I told him that my constant nausea was making it nearly impossible.  Thankfully he prescribed me with an anti-nausea, ondansetron and advised that I be on the BRAT diet for a little while.  We left and sweet Andrea filled my prescription, dropped me off at home, did our dishes, tidied up the kitchen, started laundry, went to the store to get yogurt, white bread and applesauce, dropped the items back off, picked up Brie from school then the boys, took them back to her place til Bry was done at ISU, picked him up and dropped them all off at home.  She was definitely on God's errand, I was so grateful that she had been my angel for the day!!
The ondansetron helped a lot that afternoon, I felt so much better.  And some supplements arrived from my mom!  Thursday was a ray of hope in a dark, hard week.
Unfortunately the medicine hasn't been helping as much since.  For a lot of the weekend I've had a lot of nausea and my stomach still feels like it is working overtime.  I am trying to be more normal, but usually don't last very long before I find myself lying down again.  It's been discouraging.  It's so hard to see how tired and worn out Bry is yet know that I don't have much to give.
Friday night we watched part of Despicable Me in bed.  We were streaming it on Amazon and it froze mid movie and I wasn't feeling very good so we called it a night and went to bed.  At 3AM we were both wide awake.  Per request Bry made us cheese toast and we ate it in bed while talking and talking.  It was like my ailments were suspended for an hour and it was so nice to enjoy some down time together.  It was a funny blessing :0)
Last night we were up late for a scheduled "financial planning " google chat and it had left me completely spent, sick and exhausted.  This morning I was not feeling good and couldn't imagine getting showered and ready let alone going to church and sitting for 3 hours :0/  so I stayed home.  My co-teacher, Stacee, so graciously said that she would teach sunbeams and go with the flow depending on how I felt each Sunday.     I hope to regain some stamina so I can start going again.  In any case, I watched Elder Bednar's talk on #ShareGoodness and some great MormonMessages, including He will Uplift us.  It was really inspiring and reminded me that it can always be worse and of the countless people who happily endure great trials on a regular basis.  I've been trying to get a good dose of uplifting media as I've been down this week.  That has helped, not to mention my awesome family who has buoyed me up through conversation.  I sure love each of them!!  When I came upstairs today around 4:40 I realized that I hadn't ever taken my second dose of Ondansetron and was feeling pretty good considering.  The thought came to me of how we had asked our families to fast and pray for us, and that their faith was working in my behalf.  What a blessing.
I am not sure how things are going to be.  I still feel very incapable of keeping up with all of my normal responsibilities, yet I know that Bry can't play mom and dad for much longer.  He is already worn out :0/  We feel like we need to reach out to our ward family and neighbors to enlist their help.  My co-teacher for sunbeams was so sweet and said that it was no problem for her to just roll with the punches.  I messaged a fellow young mom, Meghan (who had told me about the high school preschool where both her son and Alex will be attending), if she would be able to take and pick him up for the next while.  She said that it would be no problem and was grateful that I had asked for her help.  She seriously made me cry.  We've talked once at church yet she is so willing to help us out!  What a blessing!!  I have a hard time asking these people who barely know us for help, but it's helping to humble me and I feel like it'll be important to establish connections and friendships and vital to get us through this phase.  Ah, the things that life's challenges teach you, eh?

16 September 2014
I reached the 7 week mark on Sunday and it felt like such an accomplishment!  But not an individual victory, very much a group effort.  Aside from everything Bry's been doing to help out, a neighbor in the ward dropped Brie off for school several times, and our awesome next door neighbors have either picked Brie up from school (when it's been raining) or their 3 boys have walked Brie home from school.  That has been a huge blessing and has allowed me to let the boys sleep later in the afternoon and also allows me more liberty to nap while they're napping.  Those same neighbors also brought us dinner one night AND the husband (Bill) helped Bry move our big couch down from my craft room into the family room so that I'd have a place to rest on the main level.  They have been super!  Then there were my amazing visiting teachers.  Dusty came over for a play date, listened to my woes, made lunch for the kids, did my dishes and got the boys down for naps while also keeping an eye on her two youngest.  And Andrea came over and cleaned our bathrooms and kitchen and tidied up the house so it would be nice for my mom coming into town.  She also coordinated with the youth leaders at church to have young men and young women sign up if they could come play with the kids for 1 1/2 hours on certain days.  At least a dozen youth signed up....I was so touched by their willingness to help out.  It ended up that I only enlisted their help for one day, but 2 sisters came and with smiles on their face and without asking a question they played with the kids while I rested upstairs.  What angels!  And yes, my Mom decided to come out for 4 days to help out.  She helped to drop people off, ran errands, prepared food, made dinner (in crock pots on the front porch so that the smell wouldn't permeate the house all day), did laundry and dishes, cleaned, played with the kids, rubbed my feet, let me rest, kept me company.  What a mom!!   It's crazy that we're halfway through September already.  I am also grateful that time is ticking along, but am amazed as I reflect and see how blessed I've been.  Really I've been spoiled, but am grateful for all of the help!  When my mom was in town I was telling her how I felt so silly asking for help.  You never hear of people asking for help during first trimester.  She asked if I thought I could do it without their help....I quickly admited that no, I really couldn't have. How can I run a household and take care of 3 small children when I can barely get out of bed?  At that moment I couldn't even imagine doing the dishes, making meals, doing the laundry, keeping the house in order, taking Brie to and from school, and entertaining 2 energetic and busy boys day in and day out.  All that being said, thankfully things are looking up!  Bry's sister Beth mentioned having used an acid reducer with  her last pregnancy and how much it'd helped with her nausea and upset stomach.  I decided to give that a try instead of the ondansetron (that was severely constipating me) and it has seemed to work so much better!!  What a HUGE blessing!  I still have waves of nausea, especially if I haven't snacked in awhile, but it's nothing like the constant churning acid or the near-constant waves of nausea that were hitting me.  I am SO grateful.  Every day is different but mornings are generally still pretty crummy, but usually the afternoons and evenings are a bit better.  Like yesterday afternoon, I felt up to playing with the kids after school, making a simple dinner and cleaning the kitchen.  That was a BIG improvement from the last few weeks.

One thing that has been on my mind is learning to have more compassion for those who deal with ongoing or chronic sicknesses.  I can't imagine the cross that they bear.  It makes me think of the Savior and how He suffered all things so that we wouldn't have to suffer alone.  What love!

19 September 2014
Have I mentioned that my younger brother (22yrs) Tim is here for two weeks because he wanted to help out?  I'm pretty sure I have the best little brothers in the world :0)  Yesterday I was feeling pretty crummy and felt discouraged after having felt so great the evening before.  I was starting to feel sorry for myself and frustrated but somehow this phrase came to mind, "I'm grateful..."  I started completing the sentence to myself, "I am grateful that my body works as well as it does, I am grateful that it is doing what it's supposed to be doing, I am grateful I can see, I am grateful for the sunshine, I am grateful for my kids, I am grateful for everyone who is helping me."  I realized that although feeling sick seemed to turn my world upside down that in reality it was the only thing that seemed amiss with everything else that was going right.  It was an important thought process for me to have.  I still felt crummy for a lot of the day, but it got my mind thinking differently.  This morning as I knelt by my bed I thanked Heavenly Father for several things I was grateful for and  also asked that I wouldn't be so scared of feeling sick and that I could be blessed to let things come and be more positive.  Tim, who is a cancer survivor, has been telling me how important it is to think good thoughts and to focus on good things.

While on that note, I wanted to include a link to a music video that Em shared with Matt and Matt shared with me last week.  It was so touching to me to see these individuals who were dealing with so much physical pain and seemed so downtrodden, but who kept with it and were victorious.  I love that the overall message is about Christ helping us to overcome.  In fact, I'm going to copy and paste the lyrics, I think they're worth reading:

Overcomer by Mandisa

Staring at a stop sign

Watching people drive by

T Mac on the radio

Got so much on your mind

Nothing's really going right

Looking for a ray of hope

Whatever it is you may be going through

I know He's not gonna let it get the best of you

[Chorus:]

You're an overcomer

Stay in the fight ‘til the final round

You're not going under

‘Cause God is holding you right now

You might be down for a moment

Feeling like it's hopeless

That's when He reminds You

That you're an overcomer

You're an overcomer

Everybody's been down

Hit the bottom, hit the ground

Ooh, you're not alone

Just take a breath, don't forget

Hang on to His promises

He wants You to know

[Chorus]

The same Man, the Great I am

The one who overcame death

He's living inside of You

So just hold tight, fix your eyes

On the one who holds your life

There's nothing He can't do

He's telling you

(Take a breath, don't forget

Hang on to His promises)

[Chorus]

You're an overcomer

You're an overcomer

You're an overcomer

So don't quit, don't give in, you're an overcomer

Don't quit, don't give in, you're an overcomer

Don't quit, don't give in, you're an overcomer

You're an overcomer

20 October 2014
We dropped Em, our last visitor, off at the airport yesterday afternoon and I couldn't help but be amazed that in a few days we will officially be done with first trimester AND feel such gratitude for each person who came to visit us and see us through.  Mémé came, then Uncle Tim, followed by Grandpa & Nana Julz.  They flew out on a Tuesday morning and Bompa & Mémé and Grauntie Elaine flew in that night.  Then Aunt Emmie came.  Between all of them we had people to here to help for six weeks!  At certain points, I was fighting back inner feelings of embarrassment, feeling like an anomaly and a wimp for requiring so much assistance.  But thankfully the spirit got through to me during a conversation with Julia and I felt the Lord telling me that in His wisdom He had arranged things so I would be surrounded with family and infused with love and support at this time.  That was a sweet spiritual confirmation to have.  I realized that although I was needing help physically (running errands, doing laundry, cleaning, cooking, playing with the kids) that I was even more deficient emotionally.  Having lived away from home for 4 years, supporting Dad through a rigorous PhD program, taking care of 3 small children, then saying goodbye to all of my St. Louis friends, being transplanted to a new state, Dad still working to complete his dissertation while bearing the heavy load as a first time professor, my little buddy Brie being gone all day at full-day Kindergarten and spending all day with my two busy little boys with very little adult interaction...in August I had reached a low and was really battling with depression and anxiety.  One of the lessons I've been learning the last few months is that it's OK to be honest with ourselves, to recognize when we can't do it alone and to accept help.  It's when we realize we can't do it alone that we open our hearts to the love and support of others.  What a sweet outpouring of love I have received!  How grateful I am that the Lord was wiser than me, that He sees what's ahead and can prepare us accordingly.

Last week I went in for my 12 week check up.  Dr. Dameron couldn't find the heart beat for almost a minute.  I was holding my breath, hoping so much that the baby was still alive...and then the heart beat came through.  I was so relieved and grateful.  But I have to tell you, for all of you who have gone through miscarriages, I can't imagine the heart break that must be.  My heart goes out to you!  And for those of you who never heard a heart beat because you were never able to get pregnant, my heart goes out to you!  And for those of you who ache because you long to be married, or have lost your husband or are struggling with your own sicknesses or pains or trials of any kind, my heart goes out to you.  Through my relatively small trials of late I have come to have a better understanding of the compassion the Savior has for each of us.  He suffered all things so He would know how to bring each of us comfort and peace, in a very personal, individual and real way.  He knows you and loves you, I testify of that!!

Rating Myself.

Today in Sharing Time the lesson was on repenting and coming to Christ.  My friend Hannah used little paper feet to illustrate the path that we choose with the choices we make, and that when we make poor choices we can repent and get back on the path.  I needed to be reminded of this.  This last week was a hard one, and I felt like I kept veering off of the path and choosing anger and impatience.  BUT I can return again.  Resenting myself for those choices will not improve the situation, making better choices will.  Each day is a new day.  Little by little things will continue to get better!  I think I got sucked in to the stress of the week and lost sight of how much better things have been.  The adversary is sneaky and will put such thoughts into our head to get us discouraged and to keep us from the things we really want! (I thought this was a great little video about being aware of Satan's deceptions)

Our theme this week was on earning (and saving) money by doing chores.  Brie and Alex started the week with chore charts (thanks Mom!).  When it came time to assess their chore with a sticker they could either get a green smiley, a yellow squiggly face or a red frownie face.  After a rough day with the kids on Monday, Tuesday it dawned on me that this week I didn't need to learn about earning money, but I needed to work on rating my "chores".  On my chore chart I wrote:

Get dressed
Brush teeth
Respond sweetly to Alex at breakfast
Respond sweetly to Alex at lunch
Respond sweetly to Alex at dinner
Be patient with Alex before snack
Be patient with Alex before lunch
Be patient with Alex before dinner

You can easily tell what I needed to work on this week ;0)  It was an interesting exercise to hold myself accountable for my choices, and it was valuable by the end of the week to see patterns form on the chart.  I realized that from breakfast time to snack time (7:00-10:00) is one of my challenging times of the day.  Probably because for two of those hours all 3 kids are awake and during breakfast and getting ready time there are a lot of opportunities for Alex & me to  butt heads, be resistant and get frustrated.  I'm hoping I can be a little more prepared to face the beginning of each day with more optimism and love....and pray for Heaven's help!