Expedited workshop.

December and the beginning of January were rough for me.  There was so much going on to get us packed up and moved, then the holidays and getting settled and back in school right after.  I felt emotional and stressed and unhappy, BUT I wanted to have faith that God would help me through this part of the move too.  Thankfully the last week and a half or so things have been looking up.  I feel like we're getting settled, but beyond that I feel like the spirit has been teaching me so many things.  It's felt like an expedited workshop with lots of lessons to learn.  Though it was challenging (and still is in ways), I am very thankful for the companionship of the Holy Ghost and the way that He has been teaching me in the ways and with the timing that I've needed.

Nauvoo as Pioneer Children.

15-16 April 2016

This Spring Dad & I decided that we wanted to have a more authentic pioneer experience in Old Nauvoo with you kids.  We booked a log cabin, packed some totally-reaching-but-trying-to-be-old-fashioned snacks (trail mix and gummy worms) for the ride and listened to Little House on the Prairie on the way.  I went and did a session in the Nauvoo Temple (I ended up quietly talking to sister in the Celestial Room who was from Idaho.  It was interesting to hear how the Lord has led her & her family over the years).  Then we met up with each other, walked around the beautiful blooming grounds of the visitors' center, got our picture taken by the special Christus statue and then drove over to where we'd be staying for the night, in the Sanders' Cabin.  We just loved how authentic it felt, other than the modern conveniences of indoor plumbing, electricity and a refrigerator, which we greatly appreciated ;0)  I had planned our meals and PJs and clothing and everything to be as pioneeresque as possible.

You kids LOVED the porch swing and could have swung all evening :0)  After putting together supper (stew with muffins and cantaloupe) and having peach cobbler & vanilla ice cream for dessert, we headed out to see some of the sights.

We of course had to stop by the Old School House where Sister Apperson (she was so sweet to make us heart-shaped gingerbread cookies) was serving for the evening.  Brie had skipped most of school on Friday so we snapped some pictures of her at this school to send to Mrs. Goelitz.  Afterwards we got a brick from the brick yard then wondered along Main Street, seeing the beautiful temple at dusk and enjoying the pleasant weather.

Here you all are piled in Mom & Dad's bed the next morning before heading in for flapjacks, potatoes o'brien, sausage and hot cocoa for breakfast. (Mind you that I bought everything for dinner & breakfast premade so that we could have "authentic" food without spending all of my time in the kitchen.)

While Dad was working then at the temple you kids & I went to the Black smith shop, bought hats for the boys, went on a few wagon rides, and watched a video in the theatre. 

 Lij I couldn't help but snap several pictures of you with your little leather hat.  You cutie pie.  I love the way you love animals and were so excited about petting the horses.  And at one point, after the oxen wagon ride, you were hot and tired and were fussing in the middle of the road about not wanting to walk anymore.  I couldn't help but think of all of the pioneer children who crossed the plains and wondered how many similar moments young mamas had with their little children.  How hard that must have been.  I don't know how they persevered day in and day out.  Now THAT is faith!

In any case, it was such a lovely weekend in Nauvoo.  I loved feeling more a part of it as we tried our best to fit in to the pioneer life.  I feel more and more like we have so much to learn from our ancestors from that time period.  I so wish that I could find journals documenting their struggles, lessons learned, promptings, joys and hardships.  Maybe one of these days I will, with God's help.

Double Baby Celebration.

In March I hosted a double baby celebration for two of my friends here in the Bloomington 2nd ward.  Kathryn had her baby boy (#5) in February and Sarah was going to be having her baby girl (#5) in April.  Stacee Madsen was my lifesaver to make a cake and come early and help get all the final preparations ready.  And Kelly Gregorian and her girls were SO great to get ALL of the dishes done for me!  Bless them!  We did a make-your-own-gourmet salad bar (with Strawberry Spinach, Caesar Salad, Thai Chicken and BBQ Cobb Salad being the main options).   It was colorful, healthier, provided many choices and was fun.  Kathryn's mother-in-law was so sweet to make a batch of delicious homemade rolls to pair with our salads. I chose a nesting theme because while visiting with Kathryn during the final months of her pregnancy she would often mention how she was feathering her nest.  I thought it'd be fun to carry on that theme.  And, it just so happened that Cadbury mini eggs are her favorite treat so they were the perfect touch for the chocolate nests that we had.  It was a delightful morning celebrating these two amazing women and mothers ( I look up to both of them A LOT!) and their 2 precious babies. And Spring, what a wonderful time of year to be celebrating new life.

Marilou, Noeli, Danalee, Janet, Sharon, Carrie, Stacee, Patricia, Rachael, Marilyn, Sarah, Kathryn, Rebekah, Bernadette, me, Karoline (Top left to bottom right)

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It was so cute to see the 2 moms surrounded by their daughters and young girls.  It looked like they had fairies or angels hovering around and helping them :0)

windows of Heaven.

I just have to take a moment and record how blessed we've felt temporally lately.  This year dad and I decided to look at our budgets and finances on a year basis....what is priority for this year?  As one {of many!} budgets we decided that we would like a few more furniture items for the house, but didn't want to allot a lot to buying them new.  Within no more than two weeks the 3 big tickets items providentially landed in our laps for FREE: a couch, a cabinet for our movie room and a computer for dad.  We really felt like the Lord was watching out for us and blessing our efforts to be frugal in this area.  As things warmed up you kids started playing in the backyard.  Because of frequent rain it is often muddy so we declared that "Crocs" or galoshes were necessary for playing outside.  Alex had outgrown his Crocs from last year and with a little persistent nudging from Brie, let Lij have them, even though it meant he wouldn't have any to wear.  Well, I kept Crocs for Alex on the back of my mind as I did my normal shopping.  Within a few weeks I was at "Cute as a Button" and there were a pair of size 12 Crocs for $6!  And they looked kind of robotic and lit up.  They would be perfect for Alex and I felt so grateful that God had blessed me to find them.  Lately I've been looking for a good {and cute} travel bag.  I checked my normal Walmart and Target and Amazon,but didn't want to pay $40+ for one.  Today you kids and I went garage saling.  Before looking at the first house I said a silent prayer that if there were useful things to be found that I could find them.  Within 10 seconds I found a red vintage American Tourister travel bag for $10!  At the next 4 houses I found a in-good-shape pair of Nike shoes for Brie (size 2 for 2nd grade for $3) and a double layer winter coat for Alex (size 5-6 for $5).  Blessings!  I was relaying the travel bag story to dad at dinner tonight and he commented about how these were blessings from paying our tithing.  We give so little and the Lord opens up the windows of Heaven.  We learn to trust the Lord and He pours out more blessings than we can receive.  They aren't always temporal blessings, but these kind surely have been prevalent and apparent for our little family and I wanted to make sure and record it!

I Am a Child of God

Elijah, today I came in to do singing time in nursery.  I brought my draped window with a picture of a nature scene with numbers coordinated to songs.  One of the songs was "I am a Child of God" and you happened to request it.  I pulled you up on my lap and while Brother Zaitzeff played the guitar (he was our visiting musician this week) I sang it with you and Sisters Zaitzeff and Sagers as the other nursery kids stared a little bit blankly on.  Every time I come in for singing time you are about the only nursery kid to sing and I just love hearing your little voice try to find the medley with your chirpy voice and sing the words that you can remember.  In any case, this Sunday as I held you on my lap, wrapped and my arms and we sang, I was filled with so much joy.  Joy to your mom, joy to hear you singing, joy to hold you close with your fuzzy golden brown hair tickling my face, joy that fulfilling my calling allowed me this moment with you during nursery.  As I listened to the words we sang the impression came to me that out of all of God's creations,  you children really are his most beautiful and most special.  It was a sweet moment and I wanted to freeze it in time, but this will have to do.  I love you, sweet Lij.

Grace.

This morning Yuling (and her sister, Yuphun (sp?), who is visiting from Taiwain), Elijah, Aimee and I went grocery shopping at Aldi.  Yuling is working on getting her driver's license and in the meantime I get to have her as my weekly grocery buddy.  She says that I'm the one helping her by giving her a ride, but her help far surpasses mine: she brings snacks for the kids, helps me get Elijah in and out of his buckle, helps me to bag my groceries and shares the space in her cart to get them out to the van.  She has also been known to pay for my groceries a couple of times when I realized that my wallet was still in my Sunday bag.  And even though I reimbursed her in both instances, it was so sweet of her to bail me out.  Well, today I found myself in a similar situation.  The timing of getting to the store was a little tight because I needed to drop Brie off by 8:45, get Alex to preschool by 9:15, get back to the house so Aimee could get a little nap before shopping at 10:30 so I could pick up Alex from preschool at 11:30.  As I was finishing up my shopping and rounding the corner to get in the check out line I glanced down at my watch to see that it was 11:22 AND that the lines were LONG today.  There was no way I could finish up at the store and pick up Alex in time.  Yuling quickly picked up on my predicament and without missing a beat told me to to leave my cart and the kids and to go get Alex.  I insisted on at least taking Aimee with me and tried to leave my credit card, but she said that I could just pay her back later.  I thanked her and raced off to get Alex.  I was 2 minutes late showing up and thought of how much later I would have been.  Once you were buckled, Alex, we drove back to the store to pick up Yuling, her sister, Elijah and our groceries that were all bagged and ready to be loaded.  I was so touched by Yuling's thoughtfulness!  It got me thinking, this must be what grace is: when we find ourselves in a predicament where we {desperately} need help, don't deserve it, but are truly grateful for someone extending it to us.

enemy among us.

I wish that I had written this post a few weeks ago when the thought came to me.  It's not as clear now, but I hope to convey what I felt then.  I was having a grumpy and irritable morning.  My interactions with you kids were short with angry tones.  Around nap time I was sitting here at the computer trying to get caught up on a few things when Alex came in.  Alex,  you were insistent on having me come and I was equally insistent on you giving me some time THEN I would come out.  You were frustrated by that and were starting down the tantrum road.  I was ssssshhhhhing you so that you wouldn't wake up your napping siblings.  I could sense that things were likely to spiral down between us.  All of a sudden it was as if someone snapped and I was awaken from a daze that I was in.  Why was I acting this way?  Why had I been so irritable and impatient all morning?  This was NOT the kind of mom I wanted to be!  I wanted my home to be a refuge, a place of safety, harmony and love.  I had certainly not be creating such a place this morning.  During this moment of clarity it was as if the spirit had illuminated the situation and shone a light on an enemy that was among us, a robber of sorts who had snuck in in the dark and was seemingly silently robbing us.  I had somehow listened to this enemy all morning, had allowed him to bully me in my thoughts, rob me of my peace and happiness and our home of its harmony and love.

Recently I've been noting how often I feel like the adversary is negatively influencing my thoughts;  he feeds me lies of not being good enough, my family being better off without me and me failing as a mom.  A week ago while visiting the Saginaw Ward a thought came to me as I was commenting in Sunday School.  As I write in my journal and record my blessings I can provide evidence against his lies.  I can prove them wrong!  It seems simple but is a powerful idea!

Going along with that I had the idea to track my mood.  One of the lies I believe often is that I'm not happy.  This last weekend I started using an app called, Moodlytics.  You can program which days you want to track and how many times a day you want to be asked to record your mood.  It's been enlightening for me to reflect and track how I'm feeling.  I'm happier a lot of more often than I thought.  Another way to provide evidence against lies that could otherwise drag me down.

Angels among us.

For the last few months I've been having frequent bouts of nausea and upset stomach (sometimes it will last for a few day at a time).  No, I'm not pregnant and am starting to get concerned about what is going on.  About 10 days ago I felt very much debilitated and spent a lot of the weekend in bed.  Last week was wonderful, I felt back to normal with lots of energy, hope and motivation.  Then last night after my birthday was done I started feeling nauseous again and am feeling pretty crummy today :0/  It seems like it's becoming more normal to feel this way so I'm trying to push through it this time.  Just now there was a knock at the door and there was Brother Cash with a small stack of Papa Murphy's pizza and salad for dinner tonight.  (He felt prompted to ask me on Sunday if I could come to (MTC) mutual tonight to share a few stories and my testimony of the Missionary Training Center and he brought dinner so I could focus on mutual.)  I mentioned that I'm not feeling well again today and that him bringing a meal was especially appreciated.  The Cashes are such amazing examples of being thoughtful and in tune with the spirit so they know how to best serve.  I want to be like them when I grow up (they're only 10 years older than us) :0).  They remind me that there are truly angels among us.

Divine Tutelage.

We recently returned from almost 3 weeks of being gone over Christmas break.  I feel like it was such a time of divine tutelage and learning and I want to record some thoughts.

The day before we were supposed to leave for St. Louis the transmission on the van seemed to be slipping.  We felt like it'd be best to take the van to a transmission shop for diagnosis (where they told us not to take it on the road) and that we should rent a vehicle for our weekend trip.  Those details fell in to place relatively smoothly and we felt blessed that this had all happened BEFORE we set out for St. Louis.  We spent Saturday evening taking part in some of our favorite Christmas time traditions there in town, buying a new nativity from the Catholic Supply Store, having dinner at Lion's Choice, getting concretes from Ted Drewes and attempting to drive down Candy Cane Lane.  We spent the night at the Baileys (it was so great to reconnect with their family), attended church at the St. Louis Hills Ward, visited at the Brandt's house afterwards then had dinner and spent the night at the Hintze's.  It was all lovely.  Then in the middle of the night on Sunday, Lij had a meltdown.  We were all downstairs sleeping in the Hintze's basement and I really didn't want you to wake up your siblings or any of the Hintzes upstairs.  Long story short you wouldn't let me calm you down, as nicely as I tried, and were insisting on Dad to help.  I laid back down on my twin mattress and was fuming inside.  The adversary REALLY weaseled his way in to my mind and heart and the next several minutes were some of the darkest of my life.  Thoughts flashed through my head of how I wasn't loved, how you kids would be better without me, that I shouldn't even want to live any more.  Really horrible, horrible thoughts.  I felt so bombarded and trapped in my own mind and wanted to ask Dad for a blessing, but felt powerless to.  Thankfully a few minutes later he asked me if he could give me a blessing.  I want to note that he mentioned the poisonous and destructive thoughts that I was having.  He also mentioned that all that I was doing as a mother was so important and that God was aware of every effort I made even if no one else seemed to be.  The experience made me realize that the devil is so sly at exploiting our weaknesses and twisting facts in his favor; he takes 5% of reality and makes it seem like the majority. In any case, I was so grateful for Dad being in tune and worthy to give me a blessing in my great time of need.  Not long after that Brie woke up sick and threw up for the remainder of the night.  Dad was the one who helped her the most, but I woke up in despair.  Having a child sick at a friends house the night before we were supposed to fly out was honestly like a nightmare to me.  So many discouraging thoughts were running through my head, but having already felt of God's help and concern with the previously mentioned situations, I desired to turn my heart more to Him this time.  Sickness is something I have feared.  It is out of my control.  You can have everything seemingly in place and then sickness comes along and wrecks things.  At least that is how I have viewed it.  BUT this time, Brie being sick brought me to my knees, it humbled me and caused me to rely on the Lord.  I felt like I had left my country where I'm in control and entered God's country.  I spent the morning with a a constant prayer in my heart, knowing that it would be up to His grace and help that we would be able to fly to Utah.  I prayed, as I often do when traveling with you kids, to have angels help us along the way...though this time I pleaded for it and readily watched for angelic help.  It turned out to be such a sweet blessing.  It completely changed the way I viewed our day of travel.  I was particularly cognizant and aware of each individual who helped us with our bags, waited patiently for all 6 of us and ALL of our luggage, talked so kindly to us on the plane.  I felt very connected to Heaven and Heavenly Father's love as we made our way to Utah.  It was a divinely orchestrated start to our trip.  It helped to set a tone for the rest of the trip.  (There were several interactions and conversations that I was anxious about, but being more humble and teachable allowed me to broach them in a much more loving and Christ-like way.)

During the trip all of us were sick with at least one bug.  I needed to choose to have faith, to be flexible and to see the blessing in the sickness.  And again this first weekend home, Dad has been sick with a fever, aches and chills.  He and I both have said that we feel like it's the Lord helping us to enter His country, to teach us things that we would have missed or overlooked if we were able to speed along at our normal (at sometimes too hasty) cruising speed.  Oh how grateful I am for the spirit.  How grateful I am for the Lord who works to make all things for our learning and growth.  I am thankful for the way that He teaches in calm and loving ways that don't intimidate or overwhelm.  I'm grateful for the way I feel my soul stretching and my heart changing.  God is indeed good and I'm so grateful to be His daughter and for these sweet times in the workshop with Him.

traveling to and fro.

As I am starting to document our Christmas vacation (wish me luck!!), I wanted to make sure and mention how we were blessed with our travels!  Yes, Brie was throwing up the day we flew to Utah and yes the boys had high fevers and were vomiting a few days before we headed back to Normal, BUT...we were really blessed during our travels.  So many kind people helped us along the way.  I prayed for angels and we indeed had angels smoothing the way!  Mémé picked us up from the airport at the beginning.  Grandpa Graden wrote a doctor's note for Dad so that we could postpone our flight's home.  Aunt Julie brought over activities for you sick kids which were great for the plane. Then on our way back home Bompa, Mémé, Uncle Matt, Aunt Erin, and Uncle Tim helped to get us to Front Runner and up to SLC where Starla was so great to pick up us AND all our stuff!  The next morning Starla, Rachel and Alan helped to get us to the airport.  With the exception of one irritating Delta representative on the way home, all of the rest of the flight crew were amazing!  The flight attendant was so great with you kids and the pilot even helped to carry Lij's money bag out of the plane to the gate.  Not only that but we were able to fly through Minnesota then directly to Bloomington (instead of to STL) where Bernadette Cash was waiting with our van and keys.

P.S. your rolling backpacks (from Christmas) really came in handy and it was cute to see you kiddos rolling them through the airports.

a leaner week.

Social Media can be so powerful for good or for bad.  There are times when I feel inspired to post something and hope that it will inspire others in a positive way.  I figure it's like tossing a little rock into a pond.  The subsequent ripples may be countless.  I posted this on Facebook today...

"I have felt so conflicted this week while preparing for Thanksgiving and thinking about all of the horrible things that are currently going on in the world. Our little family has SO much and can't even fathom the reality of so many others in the world. I had the thought that this week at the grocery store, instead of buying all the extras like I normally do (treats, fun snacks, etc.) to donate that (via LDS fast offerings) to help those who are suffering. The kids agreed to a "leaner" week and I hope that it will help prick our hearts a little, help us to better recognize ALL that we have and hopefully help someone else. I share this here just in case it sparks an idea for any of you. Little by little we all do great things!"

10 January 2016

I just want to add a belated update.  After I posted this, I started looking through our pantry and freezer and quickly realized that we had so much food on hand that just going without the "extras" really wouldn't be a sacrifice at all. We decided to only buy a few items for Thanksgiving dinner (with the Nowland Family) and coast on the food in our house for the rest of the week.  We were amazed at how well we ate that week and honestly felt that it was in large part God blessing us (in part with inspired ideas of how to use the food to make meals).  It reminded us of the scripture in Isaiah about tithing and the Lord pouring out a blessing that we don't have room enough to receive it.  We had more than enough food and to spare.  God is so good.

10 yrs since the MTC.

It turned out that we were in Provo on 6 July, 10 years since I had entered the Provo MTC (Missionary Training Center).  We drove down 9th East, parked across the street and walked over to the entrance of the MTC.  I was planning on getting a family picture in front of the famous sign (where EVERY missonary got a picture taken back in the day), but it's no longer there...so we got this picture by the fence instead.  The important part was showing you kids where dad and I had spent time as missionaries (Dad a few years before me), learning our respective mission languages, sharing our testimonies, and studying the gospel.  It was a singular time and it brought tears to my eyes to think of the special and spiritual time that I spent there.

"10 years ago today I entered the MTC to serve a mission (Canada Montreal Mission) for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. The 9 weeks I spent there were joyful in so many ways. I am forever grateful that I had such a wonderful companion, Sister Briskey...and for my awesome district and teachers!!" (as posted on Facebook)

Afterwards we drove by the Provo Temple.  It brought back so many memories of crossing 9th East as missionaries to do a session in the temple and being warmly greeted by Sister Rhonda Norton from the PV6th ward.  And then all the wonderful memories of attending the good ol' Provo temple with Dad in our pre-dating, dating, engagement, WEDDING DAY and newly wed days.  What happy times. Afterwards we had lunch at the Creamery on 9th, their famously delicious ice cream and all!  It was a wonderful morning walking down memory lane.

Time with Grauntie.

I've been putting off writing this post.  My feelings are still so fresh and I have too much that I want to say, and don't feel like I will do it justice.  But I can't put it off forever.  Maybe for the time being I can at least type up a few thoughts.

When plugging in various goals, events and visits for our Utah trip, spending time with Grauntie Elaine was at the top of the list.  Several weeks before we arrived she went on hospice.  We all knew it was only a matter of time before she would be reunited with Gruncle Bob.  We stopped by her house first thing on our way down from the SLC Airport.  I was so anxious for her to meet Aimee.  The smile that came to Grauntie's face when I set you, Aimee, in her arms for the first time was almost like the smile that comes to a new mom as she holds her baby for the first time.  Pure joy and admiration. It was almost as if she had a permanent smile when you were with her.  What a special sight to witness.  Aimee, Aunt Emmie and I spent the night and much of the next day by Grauntie's side.  She was tired but coherent and I was so glad that she had enough energy to record Aimee's special hallmark book.  Over the next few weeks I was able to visit her at least a handful of times and each time, not knowing if it'd be the last, I tried to express my love and gratitude.  But how do you adequately say "good bye" to someone who you've known your whole life and has been an integral part every step of the way??

On the 4th of July, Dad, you kids and I helped to put together goody bags for the family.  Alex, you kept asking for blank sheets of paper so that you could draw pictures for Grauntie.  We taped them up on her side table so that she could see them.  It was your way to show your love for her.  Grauntie had had the idea to have Brie help with the project because she wanted you to have a pleasant memory of her in spite of the inherent sadness surrounding death.  I thought that was very thoughtful of her and very typical of the way she always thought of others. 

One of the last times I went to visit, Mémé and I were both at her house.  It was night time.  We put on Josh Groban's "Stages" album and Mémé sang along and rubbed Grauntie Elaine's feet.  It was a sweet and poignant time...sad to think of my Mom losing one of her very best and dearest friends.  It turned out that Grauntie passed away while we were in Park City doing a mini Sheets family retreat.  Mémé was devastated to have not been by her side.  I was really sad that the timing had been such that we wouldn't be there for her funeral.  I so wanted to be there to celebrate my Aunt Elaine's life, but knew that after spending a month away from home, we wouldn't be able to extend our stay another week.  The day of her funeral I posted up a collage of pictures on the fridge and thought and prayed for her and my family throughout the day.

It has now almost been four months since Grauntie passed away and I have thought of her daily.  She was such a loving, thoughtful, generous and giving person.  There is at least one thing every day that she has given me  (i.e. a necklace, decorations, craft supplies, toy for the kids, etc.) that reminds me of her.  I get a sinking feeling when I think of her not being in Utah when we visit next time.  She won't be there on Christmas morning to open presents with us.  She will no longer be there to send cards and packages for EVERY holiday.  She won't be there to call to see how life is going.  She won't be there to wrap me in her warm, loving embrace or to smell of her (quintessential Elaine) Opium perfume.  Oh how I will miss my dear Elaine.  She meant so much to me.  If you could combine a mother, aunt, sister and friend all in to one, that would be Aunt Elaine.  Although not related by blood, she was related to me in every other way.  How grateful I am that I got to call her my aunt.  I hope she knows of my love, admiration and appreciation.  I take comfort in knowing that we will someday be reunited.  Although, I have a feeling that she is not too far, undoubtedly an unseen angel in our midst.  We love you, Elaine.

Learning Humility.

(Tomorrow I will be speaking in sacrament meeting.  I just finished typing up the text for my talk and thought I would post it here in case it is food for thought for someone else.)

Humility

Since last week when I got the call to speak on humility I’ve been thinking about what I could say today.  Every time I sat down to write my talk, nothing would come.  The few ideas that did come to mind were disjointed and awkward.  I started praying a little more fervently, asking to know what Heavenly Father would have me say.  As the words began to come, I was reminded of my great dependence on the Lord and I thought of the scripture in John 5:30 where Jesus said, “I can of mine own self do nothing…”  How grateful I am that the Lord takes our best yet feeble efforts and magnifies and prospers them! 

While preparing to speak today, I looked up the meaning of the words MEEKNESS and HUMILITY.  Although I’ve grown up hearing the word meek, I honestly couldn’t say that I knew what it meant.  As I’ve googled, and read a bit here and there, the best definition I could find is that meekness is strength that we have learned to control.  Meekness does not mean weakness.  True meekness does not resemble a mouse or a door mat, but rather a strong individual who wisely chooses to act calmly and with gentleness.

I will be the first to admit that meekness has not been strength of mine.  I grew up with a fiery spirit, often on a soap box, trying to aggressively assert my opinion.  About a decade ago I met a woman who seemed to have equally strong opinions but voiced them with a calm and caring demeanor.  It dawned on me that it isn’t always the loudest voice that is heard and that I may have missed opportunities to influence others for good because my strength was not tempered.  I can see why our Savior who described himself as meek and lowly in heart (Matthew 11:29) invites us to seek meekness.

While I read a quote by Neal A. Maxwell, where he eloquently expounds upon this idea, I want us to envision the often self-imposed and worldly expectations as heavy baggage that we sometimes carry.  Elder Maxwell states, “Happily, the commandment “Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart” (Matthew 11:29) carries an accompanying and compensating promise from Jesus—“and ye shall find rest unto your souls.” This is a very special form of rest. It surely includes the rest resulting from the shedding of certain needless burdens: fatiguing insincerity, exhausting hypocrisy, and the strength-sapping quest for recognition, praise, and power. Those of us who fall short, in one way or another, often do so because we carry such unnecessary and heavy baggage. Being thus overloaded, we sometimes stumble and then feel sorry for ourselves.  We need not carry such baggage. However, when we’re not meek, we resist the informing voice of conscience and feedback from family, leaders, and friends. Whether from preoccupation or pride, the warning signals go unnoticed or unheeded. However, if sufficient meekness is in us, it will not only help us to jettison unneeded burdens, but will also keep us from becoming mired in the ooze of self-pity. Furthermore, true meekness has a metabolism that actually requires very little praise or recognition.”

How many of us flourish by the praise of the world, but are offended and defensive at any criticism or suggestions we’re given?  Are we perhaps relying on the wrong sources for input and approval?

Elder Soares in his conference address entitled “Be Meek and Lowly of Heart” said that, “The humble are teachable, recognizing how dependent they are on God and desiring to be subject to His will.”

Several years ago I was starting out as a student instructor of a French 101 class.  The head supervising teacher was from France and was notorious for her rigorous expectations.  Before she reviewed my first teaching evaluation with me I prayed.  I knew that whether constructive or not I had typically been easily bruised and disheartened by criticism and was worried about the impending encounter.  The thought came to me that it would be important to be soft-heartened and teachable otherwise her critiques would come across as painful and breaking blows.  Her page and a half of comments was initially overwhelming, but as I took each one in stride, with the help of the spirit to temper me, I was able to become a better and more capable French teacher.  The correction I feared was what ultimately helped me to excel.

A similar progression is expected of us as disciples of Christ.  In  Elder Soares suggests that, “As we take Christ’s name upon us, it is expected that we strive to emulate His attributes and change our character to become more like Him each day. Meekness is vital for us to become more Christlike.”  For, in part, the way that we react to people directly affects our progress as disciples.  Elder Soares invites us to think for a few seconds about that correlation, “how [do] you react when someone does not comply with your desires the moment you want them to[?] What about when people disagree with your ideas, even though you are absolutely sure that they represent the proper solution to a problem? What is your response when someone offends you, critiques your efforts, or is simply unkind because he or she is in a bad mood? At these moments and in other difficult situations, we must learn to control our temper and convey our feelings with patience and gentle persuasion.”  I honestly felt a little defeated when I first heard that list of questions.  It was obvious that I had a long way to go in the meekness department.  But I love what the Apostle Paul taught that meekness is a fruit of the Spirit.4 Therefore, it can most easily be attained if we “live in the Spirit.”  The companionship of the spirit is key to any progress, change and growth! 

Yesterday we attended the baptism and confirmation for our friends’ son.  I couldn’t help but think what an absolute blessing it is to have the gift of the Holy Ghost.  I love that we can attain Christ-like virtues as “we live in the spirit.”  It almost makes me think of being immersed in a second language. It may feel unnatural and be challenging at first, but as we try our best to learn and push forward, eventually things will start clicking.  We may not feel that meekness is a current strength, but with time, especially as we are immersed in the spirit, we can be blessed with this gift.  We can learn to react calmly, respond gently, and have greater control of ourselves.  We will be more able to take the constructive correction and suggestions of others and be all the better for it.

This process involves being lowly of heart.  Jeffrey R. Holland’s wife, Patricia, gave a fabulous address at Brigham Young University on these two virtues (Becoming Meek and Lowly in Heart).  In it she mentions a conversation that she had had with her father several years previous.  Her father had said, “Confidence is a great blessing to anyone who has it. But Jeff [Elder Holland] is also smart enough to know what to have confidence in. Both of you need to remember that your greatest strength and surest success will come through humility and dependence upon the Lord.”  Sister Holland continues her address to the body of college students, “I have thought a lot about my father’s wisdom, especially now when it seems our society appears to value success and the whole self-image package at almost any price. Meekness and lowliness in heart are certainly not characteristics any contemporary young urban professional would want to claim. Instead, it seems that these young men and women want to be regarded as totally confident in manner, dependent upon no one, assertive, and excessively protective of their image of self…” 

Although she was speaking to young students here, do any of us fall in the same trap?  Where more than anything we want to come across as confident and independent?  I know I often do!  I want to share a personal experience from a few years ago when we were living in St. Louis.  Bryan was busy working on his PhD and I was keeping busy with Brie and Alex.  I thought things were fine.  I was trying so hard to juggle the various plates in my life and was keeping busy.  It wasn't until one day when I found myself in what felt like such a humiliating situation, that I fell to my knees and sobbed to my Heavenly Father...muttering that I couldn't do it anymore and that my best efforts had failed me.  I felt like my little world had come crashing down.  Although I tend to overreact and get emotional about things, in a way things had fallen apart, and that was OK because it brought me to my knees...and brought me finally to the Lord.  As I prayed my humiliation turned to humility.  I felt the Lord's love for me.  I felt that with His help, IF I continued to turn to Him, that He and I could pick up the pieces and make something better than was before.  For honestly the first time in my life I really felt a connection with the phrase "a broken heart and contrite spirit."  Although it’s never fun to reach rock bottom in any aspect of life, I was grateful that this last straw had brought me to my Heavenly Father.  It had helped to humble me enough to turn to Him for help, finally willing to hear Him out and do what He saw fit.  There is great strength that comes when we turn our will to the Lord.  After all, He is the master architect, carpenter, creator.  He knows when things need to be torn down or changed.  He sees what can be created with diligent effort and how to make it a reality. 

Sister Holland related a similar sentiment, saying “Indeed, I have come to realize that my own personal promptings from the Lord most often occur when I have been brought down into the depths of humility and suddenly feel a lot less confident in my own ability and much more dependent upon the Lord. He certainly uses my pain as his megaphone for an otherwise dull ear. I am beginning to see that the very experiences I would have chosen to run away from at the time have really been the major motivational turning points in my life.”

Just yesterday morning it felt like life was caving in on me.  I was filled with negative thoughts, I was feeling bad for the way I had been acting and wasn’t sure how to move forward.  I broke down in tears in the middle of my closet and prayed for my Father’s help.  As always, he came to my aid.  Oh how I need Him!

I love the definition of humility given in True to the Faith, (2004), 86–87 “To be humble is to recognize gratefully your dependence on the Lord—to understand that you have constant need for His support. Humility is an acknowledgment that your talents and abilities are gifts from God. It is not a sign of weakness, timidity, or fear; it is an indication that you know where your true strength lies. You can be both humble and fearless. You can be both humble and courageous.”

I am such a visual person and am forever thinking of analogies.  When I hear the word strength I think of power and electricity.  Bear with me for a second :0)  Imagine that being proud is like a light bulb claiming its brilliance in making its own light.  When in reality it must be plugged in to the source of electricity to shine at all.  When we are humble and recognize the source of our power we are much more likely to stay connected to the source and will then have the ability to brightly shine forth.

President Kimball had the key to (re)establishing this connection with God:

First, you evaluate yourself. What am I? I am the circle. I am the hole in the doughnut. I would be nothing without the Lord. My breath, my brains, my hearing, my sight, my locomotion, my everything depends upon the Lord. That is the first step and then we pray, and pray often, and we will not get up from our knees until we have communicated. The line may be down; we may have let it fall to pieces, but I will not get up from my knees until I have established communication—if it is twenty minutes, if it is all night like Enos. . . . If it takes all day long, you stay on your knees until your unhumbleness has dissipated, until you feel the humble spirit and realize, “I could die this minute if it were not for the Lord’s good grace. I am dependent upon him—totally dependent upon him.” [TSWK pp. 233–34]

I was recently reading a blog by Sarah Short of Short Stop Blog.  As mother of five she was responding to the frequent question that she gets, “How do you do it with 5 kids??”  Although she is referring to motherhood, I think her words can apply to each of us in our various situations.

 “I'm maxed totally maxed out…

But, mothering is easier for me now than it used to be. For one reason: I need God more.

I need him in the morning, at noon and at night. I need him to wipe my tears when my baby won't let me sleep at night. I need him to calm my heart when I'm changing bed sheets at 2 a.m. I need him to keep my children safe because I only have two hands and one set of eyes, and crossing a parking lot means holding on tight, but it also means letting go of "I can do this" and trading it for "God, you are with me, and you love them, too."

I need him to help me trade my doing for his doing.

I need his patience.

I need his joy.

I need his love.”

She goes on to say that she use to flail, “about amidst all of that and tried to raise my children in the Land of I Can Do This.

[God] He's taught me that he loves my children more than I do, and he loves to hear my voice calling out to him and letting him fill me with strength and wisdom and love and joy for my children.”

Whatever it is that we do each day, whether it’s going to school, putting in long hours at work, trying to stay on top of our households, making ends meet, serving others, taking care of our families, striving to make changes, trying to make a difference in the world…whatever it is, remember that we will always be better off when the Lord is in the equation.  Humbly turning to Him will ALWAYS be our best bet.  Isn’t it ironic that we’re better off when we realize that we can’t do it all?  That it’s NOT all up to us?  But it’s true.

President Lorenzo Snow, the fifth prophet of our dispensation, taught, “It is our duty to try to be perfect, … to improve each day, and look upon our course last week and do things better this week; do things better today than we did them yesterday.”11 So the first step to becoming meek is to improve day by day. Each day we need to try to be better than the previous as we move forward through this process.”

In closing I want to share one of my favorite quotes, “Do the best until you know better then when you know better, do better.” (Maya Angelou)  As we each strive to be more like Jesus Christ through meekness and humility, I pray that we will choose to turn to the Lord and know that is through Him that we can do all things!  Let us remember that, “I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me (Phillipians 4:13).

overflowing.

For the last few weeks I've been uploading, sorting, filing, naming, and organizing all of the MANY pictures from this Summer.  I started feeling overwhelmed like I usually do at this point, but then took another look at that lineup of folders and instead thought, these are just evidences that my Summer was overflowing with wonderful times and memories...that really, my life is overflowing with blessed moments.  Life is good.  God is good.  Now I just need to decide how to narrow down the pictures for the blog book ;0)

establishing the habit.

With a new school year I decided that I'd do one workbook page each day with you, Alex.  Partially to have something to work on together, partially to give you some direct and specific input on sounds and letters as you get ready for Kindergarten.  Yesterday we did the letter A.  Today as we sat down to start I had the impression to pray first and talk to you about the power that comes when we pray before working or studying.  As I started to talk, my eyes filled with tears as another impression came, that this would be a pivotal moment that would be establishing the habit of prayer in your life.  I felt such a connection with Heaven and a sweet assurance that the Lord would be with you throughout your mission here on Earth, especially as you turned to Him in prayer.  How very grateful I am for the gift of the Holy Ghost and all of the countless ways he inspires me.

Taking CHARGE.

I've got A LOT of catching up to do on our blog, but I just have to take a moment and document some recent progress.  Long story short, Aimee's pregnancy and postpartum recovery was my hardest yet and at 32 years old, my body felt like it was falling apart and that I should be checking in to a rest home, not chasing around the house taking care of 4 little kids.  In any case, I feel a renewed energy to make some needed changes.  Dad & I talked and decided that instead of just budgeting money for medical emergencies we were going to put some of that money toward preventative care.  I researched and found some great around-the-house flip flops and orthotics (I am pretty sure that I'm dealing with plantar fasciitis in my left foot) to get me from limping to exercising.  And we got Fitbit Charge HR bands*.  (I personally felt that getting the built-in heart monitor was key to getting in shape.  I know that I'm supposed to shoot for 10,000 steps a day, but it takes A LOT more energy to exert yourself at all when you're carrying around 40+ extra pounds so I wanted a better assessment of my daily activities. Although not perfect, I've loved keeping general track of my overall fitness---heart rate, calories in/out, sleep, stairs climbed, and steps taken.)  For about a month I've been using the MyFitnessPal app to chart my calories, food and water, so now I use the two apps together.  Like my fitness journey before, I kickstarted with changes to my diet before adding in exercise.  I love the quotes that you get skinny in the kitchen and fit in the gym AND that you can't out exercise a bad diet.  Since I'm nursing full-time, I tried to taper my calories over 3 weeks so it wasn't too quick and drastic of a change.  I've settled in at about 1,800 calories and coupled with more consistent exercise I want to see what kind of weight loss that will bring.  (I'm a little more hesitant this time around to cut out too many calories at the detriment of having a sufficient milk supply for Aimee).  Aside from that I've been trying to drink more water and chew gum when I'd normally be snacking.  The first few weeks were the hardest, but it's getting easier to be more controlled and moderate with my eating.

It feels SO great to be reclaiming my health and I wanted to record it so I can better remember my journey AND in hopes that it will inspire someone else to make steps towards better health.

*I was thinking the other day that my Fitbit Charge HR band is helping me to take charge of my fitness.  If only it had a MOM app integrated to chart diapers changed, dishes washed, laundry piles folded, etc. ;0)

Today marks...

...ten years since I entered the Provo Temple to be endowed, in preparation to leave on my mission.  How grateful I am for the blessings that have to come to me because of the temple and the covenants that I have made.

my four littles.

Tonight the kiddos and I watched "Kung Fu Panda" snuggled up on the couch downstairs.  Alex was next to Brie, I was next to Alex, Lij was sitting by outstretched legs as I held Aimee.  After the movie finished (and I woke up ;0)...I often fall asleep during movies, especially these days) it was so sweet to look around at those four little people.  These four little children who call me mom.  Yes we have our hard moments every day, but God is helping me to see and savor so many sweet ones as well.

I got Elijah nestled in his peapod, stroked Alex's head as I said goodnight, prayed with Brie, then nursed Aimee and held her close...whispering how grateful we are for her, how much we love her.  Life is good.  God is good.

According to Motorola, 6.

This phone update definitely features Aimee :0)

You can tell we're all pretty smitten!

Here we are almost 3 1/2 weeks in.  I feel like things have really gone so smoothly overall.  Bompa & Mémé have been visiting and what HUGE helps they've been.  It hasn't been the rest and relax type visit...but we've gotten SO much done and are forever grateful for their help.  A blog post on their visit to follow.  Dad has been helping out a lot as well.  Thankfully he's been able to do a little bit of work from home and has gone in to campus as needs be.  I've been nervous about the prospects of me + 4 kids at home all summer, but the last few days (thanks to ideas from Bompa & Mémé, pep talks from Dad, and promptings & inspiration from the spirit) I am feeling more hopeful.  We will make it through and can even have fun in the process!  In any case, Aimee, you are so SO loved.  You are one sweet little baby girl and we all feel blessed to have you in our home.

 We sang to her "Happy Birthday" with a zero candle :0)

 Brie, Dad and Mom's predictions about Aimee's birth and stats.

 Oh I am in Heaven with all of these snuggles.  Heaven!

 Sisters.

 I love seeing her little corner put to good use.

 When I told you Brie that I wouldn't be able to make it to centers (because it was 4 days after Aimee was born, Dad was teaching and I couldn't drive) you melted in to tears.  It was the last Wednesday of centers for your kindergarten class and you were so bummed that I couldn't come.  BUT it worked out for me to drop in...

 ...thanks to dear Bernadette coming to drive me & the kids to the school and feeding them a snack in the parking lot while I ran in to the school for a few minutes.  We blessed out in the ward family & neighbor department.

 I just can't get over how little she is.

 Oh how I love dressing little girls :0)

 Sweetness.

 Alex has been SO sweet and gentle with Aimee.

 On her way to her 5 day weight check.  Just loving her car seat ;0)

 I've been trying to get in all the snuggles and naps as I can get.

 We had so many people bring us dinners the first two weeks....BIG blessings!

 Dad has been awesome to help with late/middle of the night diaper changes and rocking back to sleep.  And I joke that he's my handsome male nurse...brings me ice water and snacks in the middle of the night.  Sometimes in the middle of the night when we're both awake we'll watch a youtube clip (Josh Groban, Lindsay Stirling + the Muppets, Studio C, Chris Medina, Piano Guys) or listen to a beautiful classical piece by Rachmaninoff.  It's made the night time feedings a lot more doable and fun :0)

 Magical may flower suckers that sprouted from the jelly beans that you kids planted on April 30th.

 My friend Lenay coming to do a newborn/family photo shoot.  Aimee was a week old.

 Brie waiting to be in the pictures.

 Dad & his girls.

 Our neighbors, the Krejcis, came by with gifts for Aimee AND you kiddos!  How thoughtful is that!

We were trying to think of the 10 days before Bompa & Mémé came as our family staycation...we threw in a few fun elements here and there.   Hence, lunch from Wendy's.  

 You boys love your baby sister!

 I just love the way babies stretch.

 Sweet daddy-daughter snuggles.

 Our other neighbors (who own Baxter's American Grille here in town) brought us dinner from their restaurant one night.  We have been SO well taken care of and blessed.

 The onesie that Brie helped to embellish.

 More snuggles.

 Roo giving Aimee a sweet little kiss.

 I got this onesie at my baby shower: "I'm not crying, I'm ordering dinner" :0)

 Alex apparently got ahold of my phone.

 During the first week and a half, there were several mornings that Brie offered to watch Aimee in her room so we could get some extra sleep.  That sweet Brie!

 Some favorite library books as of late.

 A little skirt I made for Miss Aimsey.

Loving all the mother's day and baby girl cards!  AND Brie's kindergarten class is doing an alphabet countdown to the end of school.  Summer break is just around the corner!!