Expedited workshop.

December and the beginning of January were rough for me.  There was so much going on to get us packed up and moved, then the holidays and getting settled and back in school right after.  I felt emotional and stressed and unhappy, BUT I wanted to have faith that God would help me through this part of the move too.  Thankfully the last week and a half or so things have been looking up.  I feel like we're getting settled, but beyond that I feel like the spirit has been teaching me so many things.  It's felt like an expedited workshop with lots of lessons to learn.  Though it was challenging (and still is in ways), I am very thankful for the companionship of the Holy Ghost and the way that He has been teaching me in the ways and with the timing that I've needed.

clapping with each step.

Aimee, you are almost 15 months and have changed so much over the last several weeks.  You finally started taking steps and at the beginning would clap for yourself each step that you took.  It was darling!  You would inevitably fall back on your diaper-cushioned seat every step or two, but would instantly get back up and try again.  I was so impressed by your unphased determination.  This week you have gained a lot of coordination, are taking step after step without falling and are even starting to turn by pivoting.  It is delightful to watch.  We are so proud of you!  I imagine that we will have a similar sentiment as you try and persist and master other things in life.  Way to go, Aimee dear.  We love you so.

Prep & Procedure, Oh Poop!

22-23 May 2016

Sunday morning I ate a light breakfast then was on a liquids fast for the rest of the day.  At 4pm I mixed up my prep drink then chugged that nasty stuff as fast as I could every 10 minutes.  Uggh.  It was HORRIBLE.  It looks clear but is unusually thick and has a slight fishy flavor.  Brie, you were so sweet to stay with me in efforts of supporting.  I tried to distract myself by designing things for Father's Day singing time, but was almost dry heaving by the last few cups. As things started getting moving, Dad took you kids on a walk so that the pot & I could spend some meaningful time together.  When I got to the last .5 oz I was feeling so nausea that I decided that I'd just dump it in the toilet, figuring that that is directly where it'd be going anyway ;0)  That night I scoured all sorts of forums, articles and blogs online to see what advice people had.  I had a pretty good night and woke up the next morning feeling a renewed hope that I could take on the last 64 oz head on.  I prefilled bottles, chilled them in the fridge then used a separate cup with ice cubes and drank through a straw.  It was 100% better!!  In 5 years when I need to do another colonoscopy I will definitely do the whol 128 oz. chilled, on ice and sipped through a straw.

After I was done with the prep part, per my request Dad sweetly made no bake cookies to give to the sitters (Yuling Nowland and Kathryn Kimball) and I had fun designing some ridiculous little thank you notes.  The drs and nurses really got a kick out of them :0)  Checking in to the hospital I was so shaky. I had not eaten anything in 36 hours, and the last thing I had eaten was a small bowl of rice chex for breakfast.  Thankfully they had a chair in front of the sign in window.  I needed it.  Dad was wonderful to be with me as I got my IV and before I got rolled back to the procedure room.  It was my first time being put under and I was a little nervous, but was so grateful I didn't have to be conscious of either procedure.  When the anesthiologist said that I would be asleep in 5 seconds I panicked.  It scared me to think of everything going black, so I quickly closed my eyes and said a quick prayer.  And that was the hardest part.  Next thing I knew I was back in the recovery room with Dad and I was done!  Hooray for modern medical technology!!

18 July 2016

Dr. Misra said that my colon looked fine (no polyps, hooray!), but that with a family history of polyps I should have a colonoscopy every 5 years (boo!).  I also had an endoscopy done at the same time and found bile in my stomach.  She said that she suspected it was either from too much fat in my diet or stress.  After a week in Europe eating whatever the heck I wanted and having virtually NO stomach problems, then getting back to Utah with my kids and suddenly having upset stomach, Dr. Misra and I concluded that it is most likely stress that is causing the gastritis.  The hard thing with that now is that thinking about stress making me sick makes me more stressed :0/  I know that the Lord is helping teach me to be calmer and more patient, but it's a process to relearn how to handle life when you're used to be really high strung and easily overwhelmed.

In any case, I am now taking Sucralafate a half hour before lunch and dinner in hopes that my stomach will heal and I won't have so many issues.  It's amazing that this whole process started back in February, but I'm grateful to have trained medical professionals who have guided me in this process. 

1st & Last of 1st Grade.

Wow, can't believe we are going to have a 2nd grader!  And look how much you've grown up this last year, Brie.  Way to work hard in Mrs. Goelitz's class.  We are proud of you!

Oh poop.

Tomorrow I am going in for an Endoscopy and a Colonoscopy (in part because of the upset stomach and nausea that I was experiencing Dec-Feb, but mainly because Aunt Rachie got them done last year and found out that she has peptic ulcers and polyps (tubular adenoma).  Today I started the clear liquid fast and the laxative prep.  Boy was the drink a doozy!  I honestly could NOT stomach the last cup.  I had about a half ounce last and knew that if I drank it I would hurl and up would come the rest.  So I poured it in the toilet, thinking that that is where it would end up anyway ;0)

The real reason I want to write tonight though is because Dad has been SO awesome to take care of everything (dinner, clean up, you kids) so that I could keep the toilet warm.  Brie you stuck with me most of the evening cheering me on and bringing me whatever I needed.  And Alex, you sweetly commented several times that you were sorry I had to do this and gave me hugs.  Lij, you kept coming in too, full or curiosity...and wanting to eat my jolly ranchers and chew my gum.  I love you guys!

X-Little hugs.

Awhile ago I came up with a system for hugs that is counter intuitive.  Instead of an XL hug being a really big hug, it's like an XL shirt would be, really big so you hold your arms out big and kind of pat each other on the back.  An XS hug on the other hand is where you hold each other close and squeeze super tightly.  The other day I joked that I wanted an XS hug that had been shrunk in the dryer :0)  Anyway, Monday while Alex was at preschool and Aimee was napping I was asking you, Lij, for a hug and asked what size you had available.  You said XL so we did an at-arms-length then with a smile you said, actually an X-Little one and you wrapped your arms around my neck and gave me a good squeeze!  We repeated the question and X-Large then X-Little hugs over and over again, both of us giggling.  It was a sweet and fun moment with you.  And I just loved specifically that you were saying X-Little instead of X-Small.  I love you Roo and your hugs :0)

windows of Heaven.

I just have to take a moment and record how blessed we've felt temporally lately.  This year dad and I decided to look at our budgets and finances on a year basis....what is priority for this year?  As one {of many!} budgets we decided that we would like a few more furniture items for the house, but didn't want to allot a lot to buying them new.  Within no more than two weeks the 3 big tickets items providentially landed in our laps for FREE: a couch, a cabinet for our movie room and a computer for dad.  We really felt like the Lord was watching out for us and blessing our efforts to be frugal in this area.  As things warmed up you kids started playing in the backyard.  Because of frequent rain it is often muddy so we declared that "Crocs" or galoshes were necessary for playing outside.  Alex had outgrown his Crocs from last year and with a little persistent nudging from Brie, let Lij have them, even though it meant he wouldn't have any to wear.  Well, I kept Crocs for Alex on the back of my mind as I did my normal shopping.  Within a few weeks I was at "Cute as a Button" and there were a pair of size 12 Crocs for $6!  And they looked kind of robotic and lit up.  They would be perfect for Alex and I felt so grateful that God had blessed me to find them.  Lately I've been looking for a good {and cute} travel bag.  I checked my normal Walmart and Target and Amazon,but didn't want to pay $40+ for one.  Today you kids and I went garage saling.  Before looking at the first house I said a silent prayer that if there were useful things to be found that I could find them.  Within 10 seconds I found a red vintage American Tourister travel bag for $10!  At the next 4 houses I found a in-good-shape pair of Nike shoes for Brie (size 2 for 2nd grade for $3) and a double layer winter coat for Alex (size 5-6 for $5).  Blessings!  I was relaying the travel bag story to dad at dinner tonight and he commented about how these were blessings from paying our tithing.  We give so little and the Lord opens up the windows of Heaven.  We learn to trust the Lord and He pours out more blessings than we can receive.  They aren't always temporal blessings, but these kind surely have been prevalent and apparent for our little family and I wanted to make sure and record it!

Calorie Counting continues.

I have posted so little about my fitness journey this time round.  But as I document Christmas I want to take a minute to document a few things.  First off, I am still calorie counting, going strong for over 9 months now!  The weight loss has been really slow the last few months.  In April I lowered my calories again since things had kind of plateaued.  I've lost several more pounds since then, but it seems like I only get about 1 "loss" weigh-in/month, which has been frustrating.  I think I'm on the downhill slope and then the scale dances around 1-3 pounds.  I know that time of the month complicates things, but honestly I've been losing motivation and letting things slide a little bit.  Instead of rarely going over my calories it's becoming a little more frequent, but I'm at least trying to be accountable instead of just "eating whatever I want".  I still enter everything I eat and it's funny to see that I usually haven't "let it slide" as much as I think I have.

I do have to mention the holidays.  I decided last fall that I was going to stick with my calorie counting.  Why did I need to gain weight during the holidays??  I was really proud of myself for being so diligent and faithful to calorie counting.  Yes I ate goodies and snacks and treats...but all within moderation.  SO from Halloween to New Year's I LOST 10 pounds!

Dad & I have a dream trip coming up (more about that later) so I am trying to stick with eating moderately while preparing for that AND with the weather being pretty darn nice, I am trying to get out and walk & be more active as well.

 I wish that it got easier, but it hasn't for me.  I still just want to eat as much as I want.  I still wish I could eat 3 brownies instead of a 2" square.  I still wish I could each whatever the heck I want!  But I know that won't ultimately get me what I want, a slim & trim and healthy body.  So I'm trying to learn lessons of repentance, being accountable, moderation, diligence and perseverance along the way so that I don't abandon my efforts when the scale shows no signs of progress!

Oh, a random note.  I've been trying to make big batches of green smoothies to divy up in to little glass bottles that I can pull out and take with me in the van or sip on while working around the house.  It's helping to intake more fruits & veggies, curb cravings and fill me up more so I'm not as hungry for junk food.

One last thing, I am finally fitting (snuggly BUT fitting) in to a size 10 again! 9 months ago I was a 16/18, so that's progress!  It was so exciting to pull out "summer clothes" from last year and have them SUPER baggy!  (I know it's funny to post actual sizes because it's SO relative, but I want to remember my concrete "mile markers".)  So here's to carrying on...and calorie counting some more!

spilled jalapeno pepper juice.

The picture is blurry, but that's about how it looked through my teary eyes.

Last week it was lunch time and I had informed you boys that we were having leftovers.  You were complaining--which is too often the case :0/--and insisting on having sandwiches.  I was trying to get food for Aimee and in the meantime you boys open the fridge and started getting out sandwich fixings.  Elijah, you grabbed for what you thought was the jar of pickles.  Somehow the jar slipped from your little hands and dropped on the tile floor, causing pickled jalapeno peppers & juice and glass to fly everywhere.  I could only imagine how painful it would be if one of you stepped on the glass and in the puddle of jalapeno pepper juice so I shouted to NOT move.  You both froze, but there was hesitation and it looked like you were both about to take a step so I barked out to STOP!!  Thankfully you did and I quickly scooped both of you up and set you on the counter top so I could clean up.  I wasn't mad that you had dropped it, in the sense that I know accidents happened, but I was overwhelmed by the project of sufficiently cleaning it up so that no one would could cut and so crawling Aimee wouldn't happen upon the juice and have it get in to her eyes or something.  And I was frustrated by the feeling that you often don't listen to me.  How am I supposed to protect you if you don't listen promptly and do what I've asked??  In any case, the barking orders to keep you safe and exasperated sigh was misinterpreted by you two as me being mad at you and in a defensive way, as you sat on top the counter, you started saying things like, "I won't invite you to my next birthday!" (this is one of the most popular ones you boys use, ironically you wouldn't have a birthday party if I wasn't throwing one for you in the first place) or "I'm going to get my truck and drive away with Dad, Brie, Lij, Aimee and NOT you!"  Alex was the instigator and Ljj you are Mr. Repeat.  My eyes started getting misty, hearing these things in stereo, albeit well-intentioned, wishing I had handled the situation more lovingly, hearing, "they will remember how you made them felt" playing through my head.  I melted in to tears and started to sob.  I sobbed as I sopped up the puddle and picked up the glass.  I sobbed as I swept up the entire floor (finding glass all the way over in the family room!).  You boys could tell I was upset, but I wasn't talking to you because I was too overcome with emotion and distraught.  Once again you took this in the wrong way and continued saying things that conveyed that you would leave me here and wouldn't include me.  I tried to pay it no attention for fear that I would get angry and it just made you, Alex in particular, feel more rejected.  At one point you spit on me as I past.  That was the last straw.  I picked you both up and set  you outside on the back patio, through angry and hurt tears telling you that I would not tolerate that behavior, that it was SO hurtful!  I shut the door and continued to cry, barely able to see the floor through my tears.  Thankfully I was texting Dad and giving him a play-by-play and his words helped me to not get swallowed up in the moment.

But the situation sure got me thinking.  I felt SO SO hurt and unloved.  It made me think of my family: Bompa & Mémé, Aunt Emmie, Aunt Rachie, Uncle Matt and Uncle Tim.  There had been a LOT of inner hurt, frustrations, misunderstandings and emotional pain during my childhood.  In that moment I thought of each member of my family and what we had each experienced and endured.  I longed for us to find healing.  To be able to come to peace with the turmoil we lived with, to find greater love, compassion and understanding for each other.  I thought of the trip we have coming up to a ranch in Colorado and with hope and excitement thought of the chance to interact with my parents and siblings.  

In the end, Alex, you peeked your head through the door and asked if you guys could help.  I was so grateful for you reaching out to make things right.  We ended up talking calmly, me explaining how hurtful your words and behavior had been.  Talking about how I just wanted to keep you safe from danger and pain.  We said a prayer together and hugged and the world was right again.

I see a leader.

Alex, I came across this post on Facebook today, a mother writing to her "difficult child" and it made me think so much of you.  Before you stop there, read what she had to say because it's what I would say to you.  I love you dear, Alex.  As your name says, you will indeed be a great and peaceful leader someday as we learn to harness your determination and energy to serve and inspire others.

Bunmi Laditan

Yesterday at 5:57pm · 

Dear difficult child,

You've always given me a run for my money. Parenting tactics that worked on your siblings don't work on you. Where they'd give in, you'd push back. Where they'd say "I'm sorry" you'd say "I hate you." My parenting self-esteem has taken many hits as you challenge me over and over again. Your will is like iron and bending it takes all of my energy.

I've had to dig deep to parent you. I've had to follow through and be stronger than I've ever been before. To be honest, you exhaust me mentally and emotionally. You've embarrassed me in public more times than I can count.

Some days I feel like I'm failing you, but I refuse to give up. Why?

Because you're mine and I know that one day you'll move mountains. I know that if I can just help you channel that steel will into something good, you'll be a force to be reckoned with. You're fearless. You'll move mountains. You'll defend the silenced. You'll shape the future. You'll breathe fire.

As you sit in time out, finally calm after screaming and yelling, I want you to know that even though you think I'm the enemy, I'm your biggest cheerleader. You may look in the mirror and see a tear-streaked child with messy hair, but I see a powerhouse. I see a game changer. I see a leader.

When you finally apologize and learn today's lesson we'll hug it out like we always do and I'll pray that you get it.

Keep doing you, sweetheart. I know you have fire burning inside of you. It's my job to make sure that you don't let it consume you but instead use it to burn a path in the world one day.

I get you and I love you.

xoxo Mama

Relative Race.

Somehow we started a family tradition of watching Relative Race each Tuesday evening after dinner.  Alex had been cheering for Team Black (til Episode 9 when you decided they fought too much), Brie is cheering for Team Blue and I'm cheering for Team Red.  And after watching tonight and just so turns out that all 3 of those teams are tied and will race for the win next week.  Other than some bickering and intensity between the couples, it's been fun to look forward to the show each week.  I wonder who is going to win...and what we're going to do after the show ends.

I Am a Child of God

Elijah, today I came in to do singing time in nursery.  I brought my draped window with a picture of a nature scene with numbers coordinated to songs.  One of the songs was "I am a Child of God" and you happened to request it.  I pulled you up on my lap and while Brother Zaitzeff played the guitar (he was our visiting musician this week) I sang it with you and Sisters Zaitzeff and Sagers as the other nursery kids stared a little bit blankly on.  Every time I come in for singing time you are about the only nursery kid to sing and I just love hearing your little voice try to find the medley with your chirpy voice and sing the words that you can remember.  In any case, this Sunday as I held you on my lap, wrapped and my arms and we sang, I was filled with so much joy.  Joy to your mom, joy to hear you singing, joy to hold you close with your fuzzy golden brown hair tickling my face, joy that fulfilling my calling allowed me this moment with you during nursery.  As I listened to the words we sang the impression came to me that out of all of God's creations,  you children really are his most beautiful and most special.  It was a sweet moment and I wanted to freeze it in time, but this will have to do.  I love you, sweet Lij.

neglected blog.

I neglected the blog for the last month while I was working on our 7th blog book.  I was so happy to see that Blurb was offering 40% off (I've never seen that good of a promotion before) and wanted to finish it in time.  I did!  Dad and I decided that we wanted to invest in our own family history and purchased a set of our blog books for each of you.  We hope that they will be special and meaningful.  In any case, I hope to get back to blogging before long.  I'd love to blog about Christmas before Summer is here ;0)

I was just telling a friend tonight that I'm convinced that I personally can not excel at being a house wife AND a mother.  The days that I have all the dishes done, the house straightened and a wonderful dinner on the table you kids have most likely been doing their own thing.  On days when I take you kids to the library, spend lots of time doing projects and reading, the house is a dull rumble of chaos and clutter.  Now, I'm sure that a better balance can be struck, but I sure have a dickens of a time striking it!  But I'm learning more and more that I really can't do it all and don't need to do it all.  Some things can be left undone or not done "perfectly" and it will be OK.

Grace.

This morning Yuling (and her sister, Yuphun (sp?), who is visiting from Taiwain), Elijah, Aimee and I went grocery shopping at Aldi.  Yuling is working on getting her driver's license and in the meantime I get to have her as my weekly grocery buddy.  She says that I'm the one helping her by giving her a ride, but her help far surpasses mine: she brings snacks for the kids, helps me get Elijah in and out of his buckle, helps me to bag my groceries and shares the space in her cart to get them out to the van.  She has also been known to pay for my groceries a couple of times when I realized that my wallet was still in my Sunday bag.  And even though I reimbursed her in both instances, it was so sweet of her to bail me out.  Well, today I found myself in a similar situation.  The timing of getting to the store was a little tight because I needed to drop Brie off by 8:45, get Alex to preschool by 9:15, get back to the house so Aimee could get a little nap before shopping at 10:30 so I could pick up Alex from preschool at 11:30.  As I was finishing up my shopping and rounding the corner to get in the check out line I glanced down at my watch to see that it was 11:22 AND that the lines were LONG today.  There was no way I could finish up at the store and pick up Alex in time.  Yuling quickly picked up on my predicament and without missing a beat told me to to leave my cart and the kids and to go get Alex.  I insisted on at least taking Aimee with me and tried to leave my credit card, but she said that I could just pay her back later.  I thanked her and raced off to get Alex.  I was 2 minutes late showing up and thought of how much later I would have been.  Once you were buckled, Alex, we drove back to the store to pick up Yuling, her sister, Elijah and our groceries that were all bagged and ready to be loaded.  I was so touched by Yuling's thoughtfulness!  It got me thinking, this must be what grace is: when we find ourselves in a predicament where we {desperately} need help, don't deserve it, but are truly grateful for someone extending it to us.

enemy among us.

I wish that I had written this post a few weeks ago when the thought came to me.  It's not as clear now, but I hope to convey what I felt then.  I was having a grumpy and irritable morning.  My interactions with you kids were short with angry tones.  Around nap time I was sitting here at the computer trying to get caught up on a few things when Alex came in.  Alex,  you were insistent on having me come and I was equally insistent on you giving me some time THEN I would come out.  You were frustrated by that and were starting down the tantrum road.  I was ssssshhhhhing you so that you wouldn't wake up your napping siblings.  I could sense that things were likely to spiral down between us.  All of a sudden it was as if someone snapped and I was awaken from a daze that I was in.  Why was I acting this way?  Why had I been so irritable and impatient all morning?  This was NOT the kind of mom I wanted to be!  I wanted my home to be a refuge, a place of safety, harmony and love.  I had certainly not be creating such a place this morning.  During this moment of clarity it was as if the spirit had illuminated the situation and shone a light on an enemy that was among us, a robber of sorts who had snuck in in the dark and was seemingly silently robbing us.  I had somehow listened to this enemy all morning, had allowed him to bully me in my thoughts, rob me of my peace and happiness and our home of its harmony and love.

Recently I've been noting how often I feel like the adversary is negatively influencing my thoughts;  he feeds me lies of not being good enough, my family being better off without me and me failing as a mom.  A week ago while visiting the Saginaw Ward a thought came to me as I was commenting in Sunday School.  As I write in my journal and record my blessings I can provide evidence against his lies.  I can prove them wrong!  It seems simple but is a powerful idea!

Going along with that I had the idea to track my mood.  One of the lies I believe often is that I'm not happy.  This last weekend I started using an app called, Moodlytics.  You can program which days you want to track and how many times a day you want to be asked to record your mood.  It's been enlightening for me to reflect and track how I'm feeling.  I'm happier a lot of more often than I thought.  Another way to provide evidence against lies that could otherwise drag me down.

Holding our Happiness Hostage.

The other day I had the thought that I often hold my happiness hostage.  Albeit unintentional, it's something I'd like to be more aware of in the moment so I can choose differently.  Instead of waiting for all my dishes to be done, you boys to be a little calmer, my muffin top to be gone ;0)...basically instead of waiting for everything to be "just right", I want to choose happiness today, right NOW.  I want to say goodbye to the unreachable ultimatums or near constant negotiating with myself and say hello to a happier me.  What holds your happiness hostage?

sweet giggles.

Aimee, I was just putting you down for your afternoon nap.  I usually sing your song, "Mother tell me the story that I love to hear, tell how you love me..." then lay you in your pack 'n play on your back with your blankie and Ellie the elephant.  I often stroke your soft head as I tell you I love you then walk out of our closet and shut the door behind me.  Today as I was stroking your head I found a ticklish spot behind your ears.  What cute little giggles came about as I tickled you.  Not to mention the CUTE "hippo" teeth you have popping out on top to complement the two you have the bottom.   I squeezed your plump little tummy and made you giggle even more.  Oh those sweet giggles, how they warm my heart :0)  Je t'm fort, Aimee.

a little backwards.

Yesterday I went in for a 1:30 appointment at the Brommen Hospital to get an ultrasound of my abdomen.  I had been given instructions to eat a fat-free dinner and to fast for the 8 hours leading up to the appointment.  Because I'm nursing Aimee still, I like to eat and am not used to missing meals, I set an alarm to get up at 5:00 to drink a green drink and eat a rice cake.  Aimee beat the alarm and woke up around 4:30 to nurse.  I got her back and bed and decided that maybe I'd just go eat then instead of sleeping for a few minutes and getting woken up by my alarm.  Dad was awake at this point and said that he'd come down with me. (I just LOVE that man!)  I tend to be cold in the winter, especially at night or the early morning so I reached for my hoodie and slipped it on before heading downstairs.  As I put it on things were unusually dark.  I couldn't even tell where Dad was and bumped in to him, commenting on how pitch black it was!  Instantly I could see a lot more and Dad chuckled as he motioned to my hood, that my hoodie was on backwards and I'd inadvertently slipped my head in to the hood when I put it on and hadn't even realized it.  He'd notice the mistake and pulled it off of my face for me.  We laughed for several minutes at the silly mishap.  I can't believe I didn't notice!! Yay for comic relief :0)

As for the ultrasound, it took about a half hour, wasn't fun like my normal ultrasounds where I get to see the profile of a darling baby, didn't see much of anything for that matter.  The student tech and tech asked me to inhale and hold as they glided the wand around my belly, pushed and prodded, snapping digital pictures as they went.  At the end they told me I'd have my results in 3 business days.  It felt like I'd shown up for a very important exam, someone else took it for me without giving me any indication of how the test was going, letting me know that the results would be posted in a few days, then excusing me to go.  Apparently it's standard procedure but was a little bizarre.  So now we wait.  So far the blood tests (metabolic panel and food allergy panel) everything has come back clear....

Just got off the phone with the Bloomington Primary Care office, apparently my ultrasound looked fine too.  They are referring me to the Digestive Disease Consultants office.  It's great to know my organs look good, but it's so puzzling to have so many things look fine, but to not feel fine.  Hopefully we can get things figured out!

Let's be Kind when we Remind.

This morning at breakfast Elijah wasn't catching his cough.  Brie and Alex, you were nagging him and reminding him to catch his cough, but in a not-so-kind way.  (Unfortunately, you've seen me model such behavior too frequently.)  I had just been talking to Dad about how our thoughts can either bully us leaving us de-energized and with feelings of despair and hopelessness or invigorate, motivate and bring us hope.  I wanted to somehow convey this idea to you kids--this is what came to mind:

Imagine that someone has the hard job of laying brick to make a wall.  It's something that doesn't come naturally to them and the sun is beating down, making the task at hand even more burdensome.  You come along and see that the person laying bricks doesn't seem to be doing a very good job.  You have two choices.  You can come to them and demean them verbally for their {in your mind "poor"} efforts while kicking around their tools and knocking down the small wall that was once standing OR  you can come with kindness, a cool drink & a snack, helping to provide some extra energy and support.  You could acknowledge all that they've already done, and if you have skills & expertise to build a wall, you might even offer some tools or tips that would help the job along.  How different the outcome would be for each of these scenarios!  Which would help to get the wall built??

I admitted to you kids that I have often reminded with meanness and if you see me doing that, to please remind me to be kind.  I hope that together we can turn this behavior around and remember that we're on the same team!

Angels among us.

For the last few months I've been having frequent bouts of nausea and upset stomach (sometimes it will last for a few day at a time).  No, I'm not pregnant and am starting to get concerned about what is going on.  About 10 days ago I felt very much debilitated and spent a lot of the weekend in bed.  Last week was wonderful, I felt back to normal with lots of energy, hope and motivation.  Then last night after my birthday was done I started feeling nauseous again and am feeling pretty crummy today :0/  It seems like it's becoming more normal to feel this way so I'm trying to push through it this time.  Just now there was a knock at the door and there was Brother Cash with a small stack of Papa Murphy's pizza and salad for dinner tonight.  (He felt prompted to ask me on Sunday if I could come to (MTC) mutual tonight to share a few stories and my testimony of the Missionary Training Center and he brought dinner so I could focus on mutual.)  I mentioned that I'm not feeling well again today and that him bringing a meal was especially appreciated.  The Cashes are such amazing examples of being thoughtful and in tune with the spirit so they know how to best serve.  I want to be like them when I grow up (they're only 10 years older than us) :0).  They remind me that there are truly angels among us.