spilled jalapeno pepper juice.

The picture is blurry, but that's about how it looked through my teary eyes.

Last week it was lunch time and I had informed you boys that we were having leftovers.  You were complaining--which is too often the case :0/--and insisting on having sandwiches.  I was trying to get food for Aimee and in the meantime you boys open the fridge and started getting out sandwich fixings.  Elijah, you grabbed for what you thought was the jar of pickles.  Somehow the jar slipped from your little hands and dropped on the tile floor, causing pickled jalapeno peppers & juice and glass to fly everywhere.  I could only imagine how painful it would be if one of you stepped on the glass and in the puddle of jalapeno pepper juice so I shouted to NOT move.  You both froze, but there was hesitation and it looked like you were both about to take a step so I barked out to STOP!!  Thankfully you did and I quickly scooped both of you up and set you on the counter top so I could clean up.  I wasn't mad that you had dropped it, in the sense that I know accidents happened, but I was overwhelmed by the project of sufficiently cleaning it up so that no one would could cut and so crawling Aimee wouldn't happen upon the juice and have it get in to her eyes or something.  And I was frustrated by the feeling that you often don't listen to me.  How am I supposed to protect you if you don't listen promptly and do what I've asked??  In any case, the barking orders to keep you safe and exasperated sigh was misinterpreted by you two as me being mad at you and in a defensive way, as you sat on top the counter, you started saying things like, "I won't invite you to my next birthday!" (this is one of the most popular ones you boys use, ironically you wouldn't have a birthday party if I wasn't throwing one for you in the first place) or "I'm going to get my truck and drive away with Dad, Brie, Lij, Aimee and NOT you!"  Alex was the instigator and Ljj you are Mr. Repeat.  My eyes started getting misty, hearing these things in stereo, albeit well-intentioned, wishing I had handled the situation more lovingly, hearing, "they will remember how you made them felt" playing through my head.  I melted in to tears and started to sob.  I sobbed as I sopped up the puddle and picked up the glass.  I sobbed as I swept up the entire floor (finding glass all the way over in the family room!).  You boys could tell I was upset, but I wasn't talking to you because I was too overcome with emotion and distraught.  Once again you took this in the wrong way and continued saying things that conveyed that you would leave me here and wouldn't include me.  I tried to pay it no attention for fear that I would get angry and it just made you, Alex in particular, feel more rejected.  At one point you spit on me as I past.  That was the last straw.  I picked you both up and set  you outside on the back patio, through angry and hurt tears telling you that I would not tolerate that behavior, that it was SO hurtful!  I shut the door and continued to cry, barely able to see the floor through my tears.  Thankfully I was texting Dad and giving him a play-by-play and his words helped me to not get swallowed up in the moment.

But the situation sure got me thinking.  I felt SO SO hurt and unloved.  It made me think of my family: Bompa & Mémé, Aunt Emmie, Aunt Rachie, Uncle Matt and Uncle Tim.  There had been a LOT of inner hurt, frustrations, misunderstandings and emotional pain during my childhood.  In that moment I thought of each member of my family and what we had each experienced and endured.  I longed for us to find healing.  To be able to come to peace with the turmoil we lived with, to find greater love, compassion and understanding for each other.  I thought of the trip we have coming up to a ranch in Colorado and with hope and excitement thought of the chance to interact with my parents and siblings.  

In the end, Alex, you peeked your head through the door and asked if you guys could help.  I was so grateful for you reaching out to make things right.  We ended up talking calmly, me explaining how hurtful your words and behavior had been.  Talking about how I just wanted to keep you safe from danger and pain.  We said a prayer together and hugged and the world was right again.