I Am a Child of God

Elijah, today I came in to do singing time in nursery.  I brought my draped window with a picture of a nature scene with numbers coordinated to songs.  One of the songs was "I am a Child of God" and you happened to request it.  I pulled you up on my lap and while Brother Zaitzeff played the guitar (he was our visiting musician this week) I sang it with you and Sisters Zaitzeff and Sagers as the other nursery kids stared a little bit blankly on.  Every time I come in for singing time you are about the only nursery kid to sing and I just love hearing your little voice try to find the medley with your chirpy voice and sing the words that you can remember.  In any case, this Sunday as I held you on my lap, wrapped and my arms and we sang, I was filled with so much joy.  Joy to your mom, joy to hear you singing, joy to hold you close with your fuzzy golden brown hair tickling my face, joy that fulfilling my calling allowed me this moment with you during nursery.  As I listened to the words we sang the impression came to me that out of all of God's creations,  you children really are his most beautiful and most special.  It was a sweet moment and I wanted to freeze it in time, but this will have to do.  I love you, sweet Lij.

neglected blog.

I neglected the blog for the last month while I was working on our 7th blog book.  I was so happy to see that Blurb was offering 40% off (I've never seen that good of a promotion before) and wanted to finish it in time.  I did!  Dad and I decided that we wanted to invest in our own family history and purchased a set of our blog books for each of you.  We hope that they will be special and meaningful.  In any case, I hope to get back to blogging before long.  I'd love to blog about Christmas before Summer is here ;0)

I was just telling a friend tonight that I'm convinced that I personally can not excel at being a house wife AND a mother.  The days that I have all the dishes done, the house straightened and a wonderful dinner on the table you kids have most likely been doing their own thing.  On days when I take you kids to the library, spend lots of time doing projects and reading, the house is a dull rumble of chaos and clutter.  Now, I'm sure that a better balance can be struck, but I sure have a dickens of a time striking it!  But I'm learning more and more that I really can't do it all and don't need to do it all.  Some things can be left undone or not done "perfectly" and it will be OK.

Grace.

This morning Yuling (and her sister, Yuphun (sp?), who is visiting from Taiwain), Elijah, Aimee and I went grocery shopping at Aldi.  Yuling is working on getting her driver's license and in the meantime I get to have her as my weekly grocery buddy.  She says that I'm the one helping her by giving her a ride, but her help far surpasses mine: she brings snacks for the kids, helps me get Elijah in and out of his buckle, helps me to bag my groceries and shares the space in her cart to get them out to the van.  She has also been known to pay for my groceries a couple of times when I realized that my wallet was still in my Sunday bag.  And even though I reimbursed her in both instances, it was so sweet of her to bail me out.  Well, today I found myself in a similar situation.  The timing of getting to the store was a little tight because I needed to drop Brie off by 8:45, get Alex to preschool by 9:15, get back to the house so Aimee could get a little nap before shopping at 10:30 so I could pick up Alex from preschool at 11:30.  As I was finishing up my shopping and rounding the corner to get in the check out line I glanced down at my watch to see that it was 11:22 AND that the lines were LONG today.  There was no way I could finish up at the store and pick up Alex in time.  Yuling quickly picked up on my predicament and without missing a beat told me to to leave my cart and the kids and to go get Alex.  I insisted on at least taking Aimee with me and tried to leave my credit card, but she said that I could just pay her back later.  I thanked her and raced off to get Alex.  I was 2 minutes late showing up and thought of how much later I would have been.  Once you were buckled, Alex, we drove back to the store to pick up Yuling, her sister, Elijah and our groceries that were all bagged and ready to be loaded.  I was so touched by Yuling's thoughtfulness!  It got me thinking, this must be what grace is: when we find ourselves in a predicament where we {desperately} need help, don't deserve it, but are truly grateful for someone extending it to us.

enemy among us.

I wish that I had written this post a few weeks ago when the thought came to me.  It's not as clear now, but I hope to convey what I felt then.  I was having a grumpy and irritable morning.  My interactions with you kids were short with angry tones.  Around nap time I was sitting here at the computer trying to get caught up on a few things when Alex came in.  Alex,  you were insistent on having me come and I was equally insistent on you giving me some time THEN I would come out.  You were frustrated by that and were starting down the tantrum road.  I was ssssshhhhhing you so that you wouldn't wake up your napping siblings.  I could sense that things were likely to spiral down between us.  All of a sudden it was as if someone snapped and I was awaken from a daze that I was in.  Why was I acting this way?  Why had I been so irritable and impatient all morning?  This was NOT the kind of mom I wanted to be!  I wanted my home to be a refuge, a place of safety, harmony and love.  I had certainly not be creating such a place this morning.  During this moment of clarity it was as if the spirit had illuminated the situation and shone a light on an enemy that was among us, a robber of sorts who had snuck in in the dark and was seemingly silently robbing us.  I had somehow listened to this enemy all morning, had allowed him to bully me in my thoughts, rob me of my peace and happiness and our home of its harmony and love.

Recently I've been noting how often I feel like the adversary is negatively influencing my thoughts;  he feeds me lies of not being good enough, my family being better off without me and me failing as a mom.  A week ago while visiting the Saginaw Ward a thought came to me as I was commenting in Sunday School.  As I write in my journal and record my blessings I can provide evidence against his lies.  I can prove them wrong!  It seems simple but is a powerful idea!

Going along with that I had the idea to track my mood.  One of the lies I believe often is that I'm not happy.  This last weekend I started using an app called, Moodlytics.  You can program which days you want to track and how many times a day you want to be asked to record your mood.  It's been enlightening for me to reflect and track how I'm feeling.  I'm happier a lot of more often than I thought.  Another way to provide evidence against lies that could otherwise drag me down.

Holding our Happiness Hostage.

The other day I had the thought that I often hold my happiness hostage.  Albeit unintentional, it's something I'd like to be more aware of in the moment so I can choose differently.  Instead of waiting for all my dishes to be done, you boys to be a little calmer, my muffin top to be gone ;0)...basically instead of waiting for everything to be "just right", I want to choose happiness today, right NOW.  I want to say goodbye to the unreachable ultimatums or near constant negotiating with myself and say hello to a happier me.  What holds your happiness hostage?

Let's be Kind when we Remind.

This morning at breakfast Elijah wasn't catching his cough.  Brie and Alex, you were nagging him and reminding him to catch his cough, but in a not-so-kind way.  (Unfortunately, you've seen me model such behavior too frequently.)  I had just been talking to Dad about how our thoughts can either bully us leaving us de-energized and with feelings of despair and hopelessness or invigorate, motivate and bring us hope.  I wanted to somehow convey this idea to you kids--this is what came to mind:

Imagine that someone has the hard job of laying brick to make a wall.  It's something that doesn't come naturally to them and the sun is beating down, making the task at hand even more burdensome.  You come along and see that the person laying bricks doesn't seem to be doing a very good job.  You have two choices.  You can come to them and demean them verbally for their {in your mind "poor"} efforts while kicking around their tools and knocking down the small wall that was once standing OR  you can come with kindness, a cool drink & a snack, helping to provide some extra energy and support.  You could acknowledge all that they've already done, and if you have skills & expertise to build a wall, you might even offer some tools or tips that would help the job along.  How different the outcome would be for each of these scenarios!  Which would help to get the wall built??

I admitted to you kids that I have often reminded with meanness and if you see me doing that, to please remind me to be kind.  I hope that together we can turn this behavior around and remember that we're on the same team!

Divine Tutelage.

We recently returned from almost 3 weeks of being gone over Christmas break.  I feel like it was such a time of divine tutelage and learning and I want to record some thoughts.

The day before we were supposed to leave for St. Louis the transmission on the van seemed to be slipping.  We felt like it'd be best to take the van to a transmission shop for diagnosis (where they told us not to take it on the road) and that we should rent a vehicle for our weekend trip.  Those details fell in to place relatively smoothly and we felt blessed that this had all happened BEFORE we set out for St. Louis.  We spent Saturday evening taking part in some of our favorite Christmas time traditions there in town, buying a new nativity from the Catholic Supply Store, having dinner at Lion's Choice, getting concretes from Ted Drewes and attempting to drive down Candy Cane Lane.  We spent the night at the Baileys (it was so great to reconnect with their family), attended church at the St. Louis Hills Ward, visited at the Brandt's house afterwards then had dinner and spent the night at the Hintze's.  It was all lovely.  Then in the middle of the night on Sunday, Lij had a meltdown.  We were all downstairs sleeping in the Hintze's basement and I really didn't want you to wake up your siblings or any of the Hintzes upstairs.  Long story short you wouldn't let me calm you down, as nicely as I tried, and were insisting on Dad to help.  I laid back down on my twin mattress and was fuming inside.  The adversary REALLY weaseled his way in to my mind and heart and the next several minutes were some of the darkest of my life.  Thoughts flashed through my head of how I wasn't loved, how you kids would be better without me, that I shouldn't even want to live any more.  Really horrible, horrible thoughts.  I felt so bombarded and trapped in my own mind and wanted to ask Dad for a blessing, but felt powerless to.  Thankfully a few minutes later he asked me if he could give me a blessing.  I want to note that he mentioned the poisonous and destructive thoughts that I was having.  He also mentioned that all that I was doing as a mother was so important and that God was aware of every effort I made even if no one else seemed to be.  The experience made me realize that the devil is so sly at exploiting our weaknesses and twisting facts in his favor; he takes 5% of reality and makes it seem like the majority. In any case, I was so grateful for Dad being in tune and worthy to give me a blessing in my great time of need.  Not long after that Brie woke up sick and threw up for the remainder of the night.  Dad was the one who helped her the most, but I woke up in despair.  Having a child sick at a friends house the night before we were supposed to fly out was honestly like a nightmare to me.  So many discouraging thoughts were running through my head, but having already felt of God's help and concern with the previously mentioned situations, I desired to turn my heart more to Him this time.  Sickness is something I have feared.  It is out of my control.  You can have everything seemingly in place and then sickness comes along and wrecks things.  At least that is how I have viewed it.  BUT this time, Brie being sick brought me to my knees, it humbled me and caused me to rely on the Lord.  I felt like I had left my country where I'm in control and entered God's country.  I spent the morning with a a constant prayer in my heart, knowing that it would be up to His grace and help that we would be able to fly to Utah.  I prayed, as I often do when traveling with you kids, to have angels help us along the way...though this time I pleaded for it and readily watched for angelic help.  It turned out to be such a sweet blessing.  It completely changed the way I viewed our day of travel.  I was particularly cognizant and aware of each individual who helped us with our bags, waited patiently for all 6 of us and ALL of our luggage, talked so kindly to us on the plane.  I felt very connected to Heaven and Heavenly Father's love as we made our way to Utah.  It was a divinely orchestrated start to our trip.  It helped to set a tone for the rest of the trip.  (There were several interactions and conversations that I was anxious about, but being more humble and teachable allowed me to broach them in a much more loving and Christ-like way.)

During the trip all of us were sick with at least one bug.  I needed to choose to have faith, to be flexible and to see the blessing in the sickness.  And again this first weekend home, Dad has been sick with a fever, aches and chills.  He and I both have said that we feel like it's the Lord helping us to enter His country, to teach us things that we would have missed or overlooked if we were able to speed along at our normal (at sometimes too hasty) cruising speed.  Oh how grateful I am for the spirit.  How grateful I am for the Lord who works to make all things for our learning and growth.  I am thankful for the way that He teaches in calm and loving ways that don't intimidate or overwhelm.  I'm grateful for the way I feel my soul stretching and my heart changing.  God is indeed good and I'm so grateful to be His daughter and for these sweet times in the workshop with Him.

a leaner week.

Social Media can be so powerful for good or for bad.  There are times when I feel inspired to post something and hope that it will inspire others in a positive way.  I figure it's like tossing a little rock into a pond.  The subsequent ripples may be countless.  I posted this on Facebook today...

"I have felt so conflicted this week while preparing for Thanksgiving and thinking about all of the horrible things that are currently going on in the world. Our little family has SO much and can't even fathom the reality of so many others in the world. I had the thought that this week at the grocery store, instead of buying all the extras like I normally do (treats, fun snacks, etc.) to donate that (via LDS fast offerings) to help those who are suffering. The kids agreed to a "leaner" week and I hope that it will help prick our hearts a little, help us to better recognize ALL that we have and hopefully help someone else. I share this here just in case it sparks an idea for any of you. Little by little we all do great things!"

10 January 2016

I just want to add a belated update.  After I posted this, I started looking through our pantry and freezer and quickly realized that we had so much food on hand that just going without the "extras" really wouldn't be a sacrifice at all. We decided to only buy a few items for Thanksgiving dinner (with the Nowland Family) and coast on the food in our house for the rest of the week.  We were amazed at how well we ate that week and honestly felt that it was in large part God blessing us (in part with inspired ideas of how to use the food to make meals).  It reminded us of the scripture in Isaiah about tithing and the Lord pouring out a blessing that we don't have room enough to receive it.  We had more than enough food and to spare.  God is so good.

Refuge from the Storm.

6 August 2015

For our August temple trip we decided to do a day trip to Indianapolis to go through the open house with you kids.  It is definitely not every day that we get to go inside the temple with you so we wanted to seize the opportunity.  It ended up being a super rainy day.  As we we walking across the parking lot to the temple, getting drenched from the downpour, the scripture (Doctrine & Covenants 115:5-6) about a refuge from the storm.  Indeed the House of God is a refuge from the societal storms of life.  We've been working as a family on reverence.  There are lots of times throughout the day and the week that we can have fun and loud, but there are certain sacred and special times when reverence is appropriate.  You kids did a great job walking quietly and trying to whisper when you had comments or questions.  The sweetest moment for me was when we walked in to the Celestial room together as a family.  It was so brilliant and white and beautiful but most of all I it brought tears to my eyes to have us all there and to think of our greatest goal to be an eternal family in the Celestial Kingdom.  Yes we have our ups and downs, sometimes more downs than ups, but I sure love you kiddos.  I am so grateful to be sealed to your Dad and to be building our family on eternal principles.

seeing what matters most.

Life has been good with four kids.  We've been BLESSED!  But since school started and we've worked to get back in to routines I have been getting overwhelmed with the endless list of things that need to get done.  I keep trying to find myself "getting on top of the house" and never succeeding to my liking.  The dishes and laundry are never done.  New messes are always being made.  Indeed it's like the quote that says, "trying to clean your house while raising small children is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos!"  But I keep trying and trying and trying...but am getting worn down. Not to mention working hard to exercise and calorie count and take care of (essentially) 3 busy callings at church...and everything else.  But the point of this post is not to vent, but more to share a sweet little moment in the midst of all of this craziness that is called life.  Today has been busy and full of all of which I just described and I've been feeling particularly tired and worn down.  I got Elijah down for a nap and then Aimee (it's awesome when their afternoon naps overlap!) and was hoping that Alex might take a little nap so I could nap  organize my desk and input receipts.  You finished eating your {"poo treat"} sucker and came in wiping your hands with a wet wipe like I had suggested. (You have been doing such a GREAT job at listening and obeying today.  We've had LOTS and LOTS of meltdowns, screaming and tantrums lately so it was especially AWESOME!!)  You were needing to throw it away, I said that I would throw it away for you and started ushering you back to your room to take a nap.  You often insist that I snuggle with you.  Sometimes I do for a little bit and sometimes I just carry on with what I'm doing.  Today, although mentally tugged at by everything else I could be doing, I laid down next to you on your big boy twin size bed and asked if I could hold your hand.  You were lovingly holding your favorite teal corner of your blanket and sucking your thumb with the other hand.  You untucked your available hand and offered it to me.  It was so sweet to lay next to you and hold your hand.  Within a minute your eyes were closed and you were already asleep.  I laid there for a few minutes longer, looking at your handsome face and soaking up the feelings of gratitude for you---sometimes those feelings get so buried by a million frustrations that I choose to carry with me.  It was so much nicer to suspend those other thoughts that often bully my heart &  mind. I was grateful that I chose to take a few minutes away from the tug of my day to give my undivided attention to you.  To tell you in a special-to-Alex way that I care about you.  The thought came to me that I will never get on top of the house like I hope, but that I can seize similar moments with you kids.  Funny how much time we spend on an inanimate object {aka house} when dynamic little children truly notice and appreciate the time and effort we give to them.  In the end, I know it's a balance.  The house can't be left to itself.  Chores and cleaning do build character, structure and consistency.  BUT I am happy to be setting down the road of seeing what matters most.

substitutes.

I know I've had this thought before and even maybe already recorded it, but I wanted to record it {again} while it's fresh on my mind.

This morning I was nursing you, Aimee, and kept noticing that you were trying to sneak your little thumb in your mouth at the same time.  It was cracking me up!  But I couldn't help but think of how you were trying to substitute something that comforted you temporarily with what could really nourish.  How often am I doing this?  I'm reading the scriptures, praying, or at church (all times and places where I can be spiritually nourished), but distracted by things that I have grown attached to, that temporarily distract or comfort me?  I'd like to be better at this!  Thanks for the reminder, sweet Aimee :0)

Learning Humility.

(Tomorrow I will be speaking in sacrament meeting.  I just finished typing up the text for my talk and thought I would post it here in case it is food for thought for someone else.)

Humility

Since last week when I got the call to speak on humility I’ve been thinking about what I could say today.  Every time I sat down to write my talk, nothing would come.  The few ideas that did come to mind were disjointed and awkward.  I started praying a little more fervently, asking to know what Heavenly Father would have me say.  As the words began to come, I was reminded of my great dependence on the Lord and I thought of the scripture in John 5:30 where Jesus said, “I can of mine own self do nothing…”  How grateful I am that the Lord takes our best yet feeble efforts and magnifies and prospers them! 

While preparing to speak today, I looked up the meaning of the words MEEKNESS and HUMILITY.  Although I’ve grown up hearing the word meek, I honestly couldn’t say that I knew what it meant.  As I’ve googled, and read a bit here and there, the best definition I could find is that meekness is strength that we have learned to control.  Meekness does not mean weakness.  True meekness does not resemble a mouse or a door mat, but rather a strong individual who wisely chooses to act calmly and with gentleness.

I will be the first to admit that meekness has not been strength of mine.  I grew up with a fiery spirit, often on a soap box, trying to aggressively assert my opinion.  About a decade ago I met a woman who seemed to have equally strong opinions but voiced them with a calm and caring demeanor.  It dawned on me that it isn’t always the loudest voice that is heard and that I may have missed opportunities to influence others for good because my strength was not tempered.  I can see why our Savior who described himself as meek and lowly in heart (Matthew 11:29) invites us to seek meekness.

While I read a quote by Neal A. Maxwell, where he eloquently expounds upon this idea, I want us to envision the often self-imposed and worldly expectations as heavy baggage that we sometimes carry.  Elder Maxwell states, “Happily, the commandment “Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart” (Matthew 11:29) carries an accompanying and compensating promise from Jesus—“and ye shall find rest unto your souls.” This is a very special form of rest. It surely includes the rest resulting from the shedding of certain needless burdens: fatiguing insincerity, exhausting hypocrisy, and the strength-sapping quest for recognition, praise, and power. Those of us who fall short, in one way or another, often do so because we carry such unnecessary and heavy baggage. Being thus overloaded, we sometimes stumble and then feel sorry for ourselves.  We need not carry such baggage. However, when we’re not meek, we resist the informing voice of conscience and feedback from family, leaders, and friends. Whether from preoccupation or pride, the warning signals go unnoticed or unheeded. However, if sufficient meekness is in us, it will not only help us to jettison unneeded burdens, but will also keep us from becoming mired in the ooze of self-pity. Furthermore, true meekness has a metabolism that actually requires very little praise or recognition.”

How many of us flourish by the praise of the world, but are offended and defensive at any criticism or suggestions we’re given?  Are we perhaps relying on the wrong sources for input and approval?

Elder Soares in his conference address entitled “Be Meek and Lowly of Heart” said that, “The humble are teachable, recognizing how dependent they are on God and desiring to be subject to His will.”

Several years ago I was starting out as a student instructor of a French 101 class.  The head supervising teacher was from France and was notorious for her rigorous expectations.  Before she reviewed my first teaching evaluation with me I prayed.  I knew that whether constructive or not I had typically been easily bruised and disheartened by criticism and was worried about the impending encounter.  The thought came to me that it would be important to be soft-heartened and teachable otherwise her critiques would come across as painful and breaking blows.  Her page and a half of comments was initially overwhelming, but as I took each one in stride, with the help of the spirit to temper me, I was able to become a better and more capable French teacher.  The correction I feared was what ultimately helped me to excel.

A similar progression is expected of us as disciples of Christ.  In  Elder Soares suggests that, “As we take Christ’s name upon us, it is expected that we strive to emulate His attributes and change our character to become more like Him each day. Meekness is vital for us to become more Christlike.”  For, in part, the way that we react to people directly affects our progress as disciples.  Elder Soares invites us to think for a few seconds about that correlation, “how [do] you react when someone does not comply with your desires the moment you want them to[?] What about when people disagree with your ideas, even though you are absolutely sure that they represent the proper solution to a problem? What is your response when someone offends you, critiques your efforts, or is simply unkind because he or she is in a bad mood? At these moments and in other difficult situations, we must learn to control our temper and convey our feelings with patience and gentle persuasion.”  I honestly felt a little defeated when I first heard that list of questions.  It was obvious that I had a long way to go in the meekness department.  But I love what the Apostle Paul taught that meekness is a fruit of the Spirit.4 Therefore, it can most easily be attained if we “live in the Spirit.”  The companionship of the spirit is key to any progress, change and growth! 

Yesterday we attended the baptism and confirmation for our friends’ son.  I couldn’t help but think what an absolute blessing it is to have the gift of the Holy Ghost.  I love that we can attain Christ-like virtues as “we live in the spirit.”  It almost makes me think of being immersed in a second language. It may feel unnatural and be challenging at first, but as we try our best to learn and push forward, eventually things will start clicking.  We may not feel that meekness is a current strength, but with time, especially as we are immersed in the spirit, we can be blessed with this gift.  We can learn to react calmly, respond gently, and have greater control of ourselves.  We will be more able to take the constructive correction and suggestions of others and be all the better for it.

This process involves being lowly of heart.  Jeffrey R. Holland’s wife, Patricia, gave a fabulous address at Brigham Young University on these two virtues (Becoming Meek and Lowly in Heart).  In it she mentions a conversation that she had had with her father several years previous.  Her father had said, “Confidence is a great blessing to anyone who has it. But Jeff [Elder Holland] is also smart enough to know what to have confidence in. Both of you need to remember that your greatest strength and surest success will come through humility and dependence upon the Lord.”  Sister Holland continues her address to the body of college students, “I have thought a lot about my father’s wisdom, especially now when it seems our society appears to value success and the whole self-image package at almost any price. Meekness and lowliness in heart are certainly not characteristics any contemporary young urban professional would want to claim. Instead, it seems that these young men and women want to be regarded as totally confident in manner, dependent upon no one, assertive, and excessively protective of their image of self…” 

Although she was speaking to young students here, do any of us fall in the same trap?  Where more than anything we want to come across as confident and independent?  I know I often do!  I want to share a personal experience from a few years ago when we were living in St. Louis.  Bryan was busy working on his PhD and I was keeping busy with Brie and Alex.  I thought things were fine.  I was trying so hard to juggle the various plates in my life and was keeping busy.  It wasn't until one day when I found myself in what felt like such a humiliating situation, that I fell to my knees and sobbed to my Heavenly Father...muttering that I couldn't do it anymore and that my best efforts had failed me.  I felt like my little world had come crashing down.  Although I tend to overreact and get emotional about things, in a way things had fallen apart, and that was OK because it brought me to my knees...and brought me finally to the Lord.  As I prayed my humiliation turned to humility.  I felt the Lord's love for me.  I felt that with His help, IF I continued to turn to Him, that He and I could pick up the pieces and make something better than was before.  For honestly the first time in my life I really felt a connection with the phrase "a broken heart and contrite spirit."  Although it’s never fun to reach rock bottom in any aspect of life, I was grateful that this last straw had brought me to my Heavenly Father.  It had helped to humble me enough to turn to Him for help, finally willing to hear Him out and do what He saw fit.  There is great strength that comes when we turn our will to the Lord.  After all, He is the master architect, carpenter, creator.  He knows when things need to be torn down or changed.  He sees what can be created with diligent effort and how to make it a reality. 

Sister Holland related a similar sentiment, saying “Indeed, I have come to realize that my own personal promptings from the Lord most often occur when I have been brought down into the depths of humility and suddenly feel a lot less confident in my own ability and much more dependent upon the Lord. He certainly uses my pain as his megaphone for an otherwise dull ear. I am beginning to see that the very experiences I would have chosen to run away from at the time have really been the major motivational turning points in my life.”

Just yesterday morning it felt like life was caving in on me.  I was filled with negative thoughts, I was feeling bad for the way I had been acting and wasn’t sure how to move forward.  I broke down in tears in the middle of my closet and prayed for my Father’s help.  As always, he came to my aid.  Oh how I need Him!

I love the definition of humility given in True to the Faith, (2004), 86–87 “To be humble is to recognize gratefully your dependence on the Lord—to understand that you have constant need for His support. Humility is an acknowledgment that your talents and abilities are gifts from God. It is not a sign of weakness, timidity, or fear; it is an indication that you know where your true strength lies. You can be both humble and fearless. You can be both humble and courageous.”

I am such a visual person and am forever thinking of analogies.  When I hear the word strength I think of power and electricity.  Bear with me for a second :0)  Imagine that being proud is like a light bulb claiming its brilliance in making its own light.  When in reality it must be plugged in to the source of electricity to shine at all.  When we are humble and recognize the source of our power we are much more likely to stay connected to the source and will then have the ability to brightly shine forth.

President Kimball had the key to (re)establishing this connection with God:

First, you evaluate yourself. What am I? I am the circle. I am the hole in the doughnut. I would be nothing without the Lord. My breath, my brains, my hearing, my sight, my locomotion, my everything depends upon the Lord. That is the first step and then we pray, and pray often, and we will not get up from our knees until we have communicated. The line may be down; we may have let it fall to pieces, but I will not get up from my knees until I have established communication—if it is twenty minutes, if it is all night like Enos. . . . If it takes all day long, you stay on your knees until your unhumbleness has dissipated, until you feel the humble spirit and realize, “I could die this minute if it were not for the Lord’s good grace. I am dependent upon him—totally dependent upon him.” [TSWK pp. 233–34]

I was recently reading a blog by Sarah Short of Short Stop Blog.  As mother of five she was responding to the frequent question that she gets, “How do you do it with 5 kids??”  Although she is referring to motherhood, I think her words can apply to each of us in our various situations.

 “I'm maxed totally maxed out…

But, mothering is easier for me now than it used to be. For one reason: I need God more.

I need him in the morning, at noon and at night. I need him to wipe my tears when my baby won't let me sleep at night. I need him to calm my heart when I'm changing bed sheets at 2 a.m. I need him to keep my children safe because I only have two hands and one set of eyes, and crossing a parking lot means holding on tight, but it also means letting go of "I can do this" and trading it for "God, you are with me, and you love them, too."

I need him to help me trade my doing for his doing.

I need his patience.

I need his joy.

I need his love.”

She goes on to say that she use to flail, “about amidst all of that and tried to raise my children in the Land of I Can Do This.

[God] He's taught me that he loves my children more than I do, and he loves to hear my voice calling out to him and letting him fill me with strength and wisdom and love and joy for my children.”

Whatever it is that we do each day, whether it’s going to school, putting in long hours at work, trying to stay on top of our households, making ends meet, serving others, taking care of our families, striving to make changes, trying to make a difference in the world…whatever it is, remember that we will always be better off when the Lord is in the equation.  Humbly turning to Him will ALWAYS be our best bet.  Isn’t it ironic that we’re better off when we realize that we can’t do it all?  That it’s NOT all up to us?  But it’s true.

President Lorenzo Snow, the fifth prophet of our dispensation, taught, “It is our duty to try to be perfect, … to improve each day, and look upon our course last week and do things better this week; do things better today than we did them yesterday.”11 So the first step to becoming meek is to improve day by day. Each day we need to try to be better than the previous as we move forward through this process.”

In closing I want to share one of my favorite quotes, “Do the best until you know better then when you know better, do better.” (Maya Angelou)  As we each strive to be more like Jesus Christ through meekness and humility, I pray that we will choose to turn to the Lord and know that is through Him that we can do all things!  Let us remember that, “I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me (Phillipians 4:13).

Crossroads.

This morning, after I finally got showered, Alex came up in to our bathroom.  Dad mentioned that there were more Thomas movies that were going to be playing on the DVD and to head back down to watch them (we've been putting on a few more movies lately so that we can get things done).  You asked Dad if he could come down and watch with you.  He was hesitating and I knew well that he had things he needed to get done, so I said that I could come down to watch with you.  You replied that you wanted Dad to come down.  I muttered under my breath, "Why do I even live here?  To clean the house??"  and melted in to tears as I left the room.  I'm sure that being 2 1/2 weeks postpartum is compounding the way I feel, but I'd be leaving out a piece of our story if I didn't include this in our family history.  You kids adore your Dad and I've tried so hard to be grateful for that and encourage it, but it's gotten to be harder for me to handle and has been weighing on my heart.  Most times you three would rather your dad listen, play, read the story, snuggle...and deep down it hurts.  Lately there have been moments at the dinner table when Elijah is trying to talk to a preoccupied Dad who isn't responded, so I've responded in lieu.  And Elijah has turned to me and said, "I'm not talking to you Mama." It's moment like those that I feel like chopped liver.  What am I here for?  What am I giving MY life for?  To clean the house?  Cook the meals? I know I haven't always been super involved.  I know that I haven't been the funnest, most present mom.  So today I've thought about this emotional iceberg for me and have been trying to make sense of it.  I was thinking about the last 7 years...I've been pregnant for 3 of those years, nursing for 3 more.  5 of those years I've lived away from family, 4 of those 5 years in 1,000 sq ft town home, while your Dad was BUSY with his PhD and his callings.  The last year has introduced a whole new series of changes, including: a new state, new city, new house, 2 new wards, 4 new callings, a new job for Dad, new school for Brie and Alex, {finally} a new PhD graduate and now a new baby!    Many times when the house was too unmanageable or you kids were crying or complaining again, I turned to social media to find my "happy place."  I haven't always been very present.  Many nights I've had Dad take over while I tried to create something beautiful on our blog or make a difference in someone's day on Facebook or through an email.  I'll admit that I've frequently subconsciously declared defeat as a mom as I've withdrawn from the family, and I know that I've missed out on many moments and that part of this problem is rooted in those choices.  Most of those 7 years I think it'd be safe to say that I've dealt with some sort of anxiety and/or depression, and although my efforts as a mom have been much less than perfect, I've done my best.  So here I am at a crossroads.  I want to feel more loved and appreciated and connected to you kids (because I love you guys SO much!).   Yet I know that in order to turn things around I have to give more of myself even when it's not me you want.  I pray that I can be strong enough to do that.  To sacrifice for you kids, serve, lift and love even when much of what you do and say doesn't help me feel successful and appreciated.  As immature as this may all sound, it's where I'm at.  Maybe by recording this moment I will someday be able to look back and see the progress that I've made.  I love you guys.

14 May 2015
P.S.  Yesterday Dad was so great to come to my aid when I this black rain cloud was hanging over head.  I was pretty grumpy and not really in the mood to listen,but he stayed, sat next to me, rubbed my feet and offered to help however he could.  That's your Dad for you!  He is such a wonderful man.  In the middle of the night while nursing Aimee I came across this song, What are Words, by Chris Medina for his fiancée.  It really touched me and made me think of all of the times Dad has chosen to stand by my side in my moments of weakness.

P.P.S This afternoon I was reminded of an article I read last week, The Life of the Party Is Closer Than You Think.  I really relate to this article and want to keep it in mind as I move forward.

A matter of inches.

We have our baby girl's bassinet set up now, a few feet away from our bed. It's funny to me that in just a few months she'll no longer be nestled up with me at night but will be in her own little bed. And that it is such a short journey, a matter of inches that will make that difference. It makes me think that our little tiny movements in the right direction are much more important than they seem. What is seemingly insignificant progress is actually monumental on our path to be like God.

rejuvenation IN them.

About a month ago we had a particularly long day with the kids on Sunday.  Bry & I (and Uncle Tim) were all frazzled by the end of the day, and I was exclaiming how I thought that all parents should get every other weekend off.  How are we supposed to get rejuvenated when our job is endless?  The next day with similar questions on my mind, and while I was basking in one of Lij's many smiles, the thought came to me that it would be IN my kids that I would find energy and rejuvenation.  Although important, no matter how much time away I sought, alone moments I found, GNOs I had, none of those things would consistently and sufficiently recharge me.  But all of the little, frequent, joyful, enthusiastic moments with my children could.  What a paradigm shift for me.  It has helped me to try harder to live in those moments and soak them up...there is so much life to be had :0)

Lessons to learn.

30 August 2014
Last week on the morning of our 7th anniversary we got a positive on a pregnancy test.  We were hoping to get pregnant and were both very excited to find out such news on such a special day!  As the week went on, still glowing inwardly about my pregnancy, I was also bracing for the impending morning sickness.  Usually I have about a week before the nausea hits.  This time round it was five days.  Today is Sunday, just a little over a week since our anniversary and 3 1/2 days down, 53 1/2 to go before I'll probably feel much relief.  I rarely throw up, and haven't yet, but it feels like I'm living with the flu all day long.  Sometimes sleep is an escape, if the waves of nausea don't keep me awake.  In any case, this is the start of a very challenging season for me.  I feel bad even mentioning it because I know there are a myriad women who would be magnificent mothers but who are unable to get pregnant.  There are women who get pregnant and deal with extreme sickness and even hospitalization for much if not all of their pregnancy.  And still there are the individuals who deal with chronic pain and sickness for years and years of their lives :0(  Maybe in light of that knowledge I am trying to be more of a fighter this time around...fight to do more than moan and complain, fight to see the joy, fight to see past my own discomfort, fight to do more than just survive, fight to come to know my God better.

This morning as I was crying to Bry, already feeling overwhelmed by the prospects of the next few months, I received an email from a friend where she shared an answered prayer and thanked me for being an example of faith and living with happiness.  I laughed out loud and said, if only she could see the pathetic state I'm in now, not really an example of faith or happiness.  Little did my friend know that she was infusing ME with the faith that I needed today.

A few hours later I received a family email that Grandpa Stevenson had sent out with advice for his family.  It included some words about learning with joy.  What timely advice!

I was just watching a few Mormon Messages and came across one that I've seen a handful of times, about Nie Nie's (Stephanie Nielson) new life after her plane crash.  I was struck by the way that she said she is not her body, but particularly touched by the quote at the end by Elder Holland about how we may be the closest to God when we are suffering.  It got me thinking about a question I've asked myself hundreds of times, why does first trimester have to be SO challenging?!  The answer that came  to my mind is  that it is a time of sanctification.  Bringing a child into the world is such a holy and sacred thing.  The first few months can either be a time of extreme discomfort or a time of coming to the Lord through our discomfort.

It also makes me think of fasting.  Each time our stomach grumbles in protest and hunger, it can remind us of the wonderful blessings we are petitioning the Lord for.  Each wave of nausea can remind me of the wonderful blessing the Lord is preparing me  to receive.  I guess like labor, I can either submit to the process and let it work the necessary changes within me or I can fight against it.

I think it'll be important to fill my spare time with uplifting things.  Here are a few other such things I've come across today and wanted to include:

I just read a quote in the September 2014 Ensign by Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf,

“We can choose to be grateful, no matter what.
“This type of gratitude tran- scends whatever is happening around
us. It surpasses disappointment, discouragement, and despair. It blooms just as beautifully in the icy landscape of winter as it does in the pleasant warmth of summer. . . .
“. . . In pain, we can glory in Christ’s Atonement. In the cold of bitter sor- row, we can experience the closeness and warmth of heaven’s embrace.”
President Dieter F. Uchtdorf, Second Counselor in the First Presidency, “Grateful in Any Circumstances,” Ensign, May 2014, 75. 

Also a little clip on Tessa, a woman who is battling cancer for the second time and finding God in the process.

In any case, I pray that I can allow this process to sanctify me.

7 September 2014
Wow, we made it through a whole week!  WHAT A WEEK.
Basically Monday to Thursday I spent most of my time lying on the couch downstairs, trying to escape the extreme nausea and my extremely upset stomach through sleep.  The days crept by and I seriously wanted to die and cried to Bry every day that I didn't know how long I could keep it up.  Tuesday morning my SWEET visiting teacher Andrea watched the kids all morning, put the boys down for naps and read with Brie til almost 3.  Thursday morning she was lined up to come again to take the boys to her place for the day.  I was feeling so crummy, weak, tired and hopeless.  Bry decided to email my family to announce the news so they could be aware of what was going on and so they could call and cheer me up.  He also called my OB's nurse and left a message telling her about the fever going on almost a week and how sick I was feeling.   I talked to Rach and Mom and it was so great to have their support and love and hear their voices.  Rach even played her ukele and sang to me.  The nurse called back and advised that I go to instacare. Andrea ended up dropping the boys off at my other visiting teacher, Dusty's house where they stayed all day!!  What angels, eh?  Then she came and picked me up to take me to instacare.  It definitely was not instant care, it was 2 1/2 hours from arrival til we walked out the doors. The PA couldn't find any other signs or sickness or infection, so he thought the fever must be from a virus I was fighting.  But he did find ketones in my urine and asked when I had eaten last.  I told him that I had eaten a saltine just a few minutes earlier.  He said, "no, when did you last eat a meal?" I laughed, a meal...probably Sunday.  I had been feeling so horrible and sick that I could barely tolerate an occasional saltine, sipping powerade and an occasional few bites of trail mix to get trace amounts of protein.  He told me that I needed to eat and I told him that my constant nausea was making it nearly impossible.  Thankfully he prescribed me with an anti-nausea, ondansetron and advised that I be on the BRAT diet for a little while.  We left and sweet Andrea filled my prescription, dropped me off at home, did our dishes, tidied up the kitchen, started laundry, went to the store to get yogurt, white bread and applesauce, dropped the items back off, picked up Brie from school then the boys, took them back to her place til Bry was done at ISU, picked him up and dropped them all off at home.  She was definitely on God's errand, I was so grateful that she had been my angel for the day!!
The ondansetron helped a lot that afternoon, I felt so much better.  And some supplements arrived from my mom!  Thursday was a ray of hope in a dark, hard week.
Unfortunately the medicine hasn't been helping as much since.  For a lot of the weekend I've had a lot of nausea and my stomach still feels like it is working overtime.  I am trying to be more normal, but usually don't last very long before I find myself lying down again.  It's been discouraging.  It's so hard to see how tired and worn out Bry is yet know that I don't have much to give.
Friday night we watched part of Despicable Me in bed.  We were streaming it on Amazon and it froze mid movie and I wasn't feeling very good so we called it a night and went to bed.  At 3AM we were both wide awake.  Per request Bry made us cheese toast and we ate it in bed while talking and talking.  It was like my ailments were suspended for an hour and it was so nice to enjoy some down time together.  It was a funny blessing :0)
Last night we were up late for a scheduled "financial planning " google chat and it had left me completely spent, sick and exhausted.  This morning I was not feeling good and couldn't imagine getting showered and ready let alone going to church and sitting for 3 hours :0/  so I stayed home.  My co-teacher, Stacee, so graciously said that she would teach sunbeams and go with the flow depending on how I felt each Sunday.     I hope to regain some stamina so I can start going again.  In any case, I watched Elder Bednar's talk on #ShareGoodness and some great MormonMessages, including He will Uplift us.  It was really inspiring and reminded me that it can always be worse and of the countless people who happily endure great trials on a regular basis.  I've been trying to get a good dose of uplifting media as I've been down this week.  That has helped, not to mention my awesome family who has buoyed me up through conversation.  I sure love each of them!!  When I came upstairs today around 4:40 I realized that I hadn't ever taken my second dose of Ondansetron and was feeling pretty good considering.  The thought came to me of how we had asked our families to fast and pray for us, and that their faith was working in my behalf.  What a blessing.
I am not sure how things are going to be.  I still feel very incapable of keeping up with all of my normal responsibilities, yet I know that Bry can't play mom and dad for much longer.  He is already worn out :0/  We feel like we need to reach out to our ward family and neighbors to enlist their help.  My co-teacher for sunbeams was so sweet and said that it was no problem for her to just roll with the punches.  I messaged a fellow young mom, Meghan (who had told me about the high school preschool where both her son and Alex will be attending), if she would be able to take and pick him up for the next while.  She said that it would be no problem and was grateful that I had asked for her help.  She seriously made me cry.  We've talked once at church yet she is so willing to help us out!  What a blessing!!  I have a hard time asking these people who barely know us for help, but it's helping to humble me and I feel like it'll be important to establish connections and friendships and vital to get us through this phase.  Ah, the things that life's challenges teach you, eh?

16 September 2014
I reached the 7 week mark on Sunday and it felt like such an accomplishment!  But not an individual victory, very much a group effort.  Aside from everything Bry's been doing to help out, a neighbor in the ward dropped Brie off for school several times, and our awesome next door neighbors have either picked Brie up from school (when it's been raining) or their 3 boys have walked Brie home from school.  That has been a huge blessing and has allowed me to let the boys sleep later in the afternoon and also allows me more liberty to nap while they're napping.  Those same neighbors also brought us dinner one night AND the husband (Bill) helped Bry move our big couch down from my craft room into the family room so that I'd have a place to rest on the main level.  They have been super!  Then there were my amazing visiting teachers.  Dusty came over for a play date, listened to my woes, made lunch for the kids, did my dishes and got the boys down for naps while also keeping an eye on her two youngest.  And Andrea came over and cleaned our bathrooms and kitchen and tidied up the house so it would be nice for my mom coming into town.  She also coordinated with the youth leaders at church to have young men and young women sign up if they could come play with the kids for 1 1/2 hours on certain days.  At least a dozen youth signed up....I was so touched by their willingness to help out.  It ended up that I only enlisted their help for one day, but 2 sisters came and with smiles on their face and without asking a question they played with the kids while I rested upstairs.  What angels!  And yes, my Mom decided to come out for 4 days to help out.  She helped to drop people off, ran errands, prepared food, made dinner (in crock pots on the front porch so that the smell wouldn't permeate the house all day), did laundry and dishes, cleaned, played with the kids, rubbed my feet, let me rest, kept me company.  What a mom!!   It's crazy that we're halfway through September already.  I am also grateful that time is ticking along, but am amazed as I reflect and see how blessed I've been.  Really I've been spoiled, but am grateful for all of the help!  When my mom was in town I was telling her how I felt so silly asking for help.  You never hear of people asking for help during first trimester.  She asked if I thought I could do it without their help....I quickly admited that no, I really couldn't have. How can I run a household and take care of 3 small children when I can barely get out of bed?  At that moment I couldn't even imagine doing the dishes, making meals, doing the laundry, keeping the house in order, taking Brie to and from school, and entertaining 2 energetic and busy boys day in and day out.  All that being said, thankfully things are looking up!  Bry's sister Beth mentioned having used an acid reducer with  her last pregnancy and how much it'd helped with her nausea and upset stomach.  I decided to give that a try instead of the ondansetron (that was severely constipating me) and it has seemed to work so much better!!  What a HUGE blessing!  I still have waves of nausea, especially if I haven't snacked in awhile, but it's nothing like the constant churning acid or the near-constant waves of nausea that were hitting me.  I am SO grateful.  Every day is different but mornings are generally still pretty crummy, but usually the afternoons and evenings are a bit better.  Like yesterday afternoon, I felt up to playing with the kids after school, making a simple dinner and cleaning the kitchen.  That was a BIG improvement from the last few weeks.

One thing that has been on my mind is learning to have more compassion for those who deal with ongoing or chronic sicknesses.  I can't imagine the cross that they bear.  It makes me think of the Savior and how He suffered all things so that we wouldn't have to suffer alone.  What love!

19 September 2014
Have I mentioned that my younger brother (22yrs) Tim is here for two weeks because he wanted to help out?  I'm pretty sure I have the best little brothers in the world :0)  Yesterday I was feeling pretty crummy and felt discouraged after having felt so great the evening before.  I was starting to feel sorry for myself and frustrated but somehow this phrase came to mind, "I'm grateful..."  I started completing the sentence to myself, "I am grateful that my body works as well as it does, I am grateful that it is doing what it's supposed to be doing, I am grateful I can see, I am grateful for the sunshine, I am grateful for my kids, I am grateful for everyone who is helping me."  I realized that although feeling sick seemed to turn my world upside down that in reality it was the only thing that seemed amiss with everything else that was going right.  It was an important thought process for me to have.  I still felt crummy for a lot of the day, but it got my mind thinking differently.  This morning as I knelt by my bed I thanked Heavenly Father for several things I was grateful for and  also asked that I wouldn't be so scared of feeling sick and that I could be blessed to let things come and be more positive.  Tim, who is a cancer survivor, has been telling me how important it is to think good thoughts and to focus on good things.

While on that note, I wanted to include a link to a music video that Em shared with Matt and Matt shared with me last week.  It was so touching to me to see these individuals who were dealing with so much physical pain and seemed so downtrodden, but who kept with it and were victorious.  I love that the overall message is about Christ helping us to overcome.  In fact, I'm going to copy and paste the lyrics, I think they're worth reading:

Overcomer by Mandisa

Staring at a stop sign

Watching people drive by

T Mac on the radio

Got so much on your mind

Nothing's really going right

Looking for a ray of hope

Whatever it is you may be going through

I know He's not gonna let it get the best of you

[Chorus:]

You're an overcomer

Stay in the fight ‘til the final round

You're not going under

‘Cause God is holding you right now

You might be down for a moment

Feeling like it's hopeless

That's when He reminds You

That you're an overcomer

You're an overcomer

Everybody's been down

Hit the bottom, hit the ground

Ooh, you're not alone

Just take a breath, don't forget

Hang on to His promises

He wants You to know

[Chorus]

The same Man, the Great I am

The one who overcame death

He's living inside of You

So just hold tight, fix your eyes

On the one who holds your life

There's nothing He can't do

He's telling you

(Take a breath, don't forget

Hang on to His promises)

[Chorus]

You're an overcomer

You're an overcomer

You're an overcomer

So don't quit, don't give in, you're an overcomer

Don't quit, don't give in, you're an overcomer

Don't quit, don't give in, you're an overcomer

You're an overcomer

20 October 2014
We dropped Em, our last visitor, off at the airport yesterday afternoon and I couldn't help but be amazed that in a few days we will officially be done with first trimester AND feel such gratitude for each person who came to visit us and see us through.  Mémé came, then Uncle Tim, followed by Grandpa & Nana Julz.  They flew out on a Tuesday morning and Bompa & Mémé and Grauntie Elaine flew in that night.  Then Aunt Emmie came.  Between all of them we had people to here to help for six weeks!  At certain points, I was fighting back inner feelings of embarrassment, feeling like an anomaly and a wimp for requiring so much assistance.  But thankfully the spirit got through to me during a conversation with Julia and I felt the Lord telling me that in His wisdom He had arranged things so I would be surrounded with family and infused with love and support at this time.  That was a sweet spiritual confirmation to have.  I realized that although I was needing help physically (running errands, doing laundry, cleaning, cooking, playing with the kids) that I was even more deficient emotionally.  Having lived away from home for 4 years, supporting Dad through a rigorous PhD program, taking care of 3 small children, then saying goodbye to all of my St. Louis friends, being transplanted to a new state, Dad still working to complete his dissertation while bearing the heavy load as a first time professor, my little buddy Brie being gone all day at full-day Kindergarten and spending all day with my two busy little boys with very little adult interaction...in August I had reached a low and was really battling with depression and anxiety.  One of the lessons I've been learning the last few months is that it's OK to be honest with ourselves, to recognize when we can't do it alone and to accept help.  It's when we realize we can't do it alone that we open our hearts to the love and support of others.  What a sweet outpouring of love I have received!  How grateful I am that the Lord was wiser than me, that He sees what's ahead and can prepare us accordingly.

Last week I went in for my 12 week check up.  Dr. Dameron couldn't find the heart beat for almost a minute.  I was holding my breath, hoping so much that the baby was still alive...and then the heart beat came through.  I was so relieved and grateful.  But I have to tell you, for all of you who have gone through miscarriages, I can't imagine the heart break that must be.  My heart goes out to you!  And for those of you who never heard a heart beat because you were never able to get pregnant, my heart goes out to you!  And for those of you who ache because you long to be married, or have lost your husband or are struggling with your own sicknesses or pains or trials of any kind, my heart goes out to you.  Through my relatively small trials of late I have come to have a better understanding of the compassion the Savior has for each of us.  He suffered all things so He would know how to bring each of us comfort and peace, in a very personal, individual and real way.  He knows you and loves you, I testify of that!!

a Special Sealing.

 (2 August 2014)

At the beginning of the month we drove to St. Louis to be present for the sealing of Ben & Ashley to their newly adopted son, Deven.  It was such a sweet experience.  It reminded me how the Lord wants us to be fully committed to our families, that the going will not always be easy, but that we can make it through... especially if we remember to include the Lord in our relationships.  It gave me a stronger desire to try harder with Alex.  We are still having {what seems like} many ups and downs.  The super intense moments aren't as frequent, but I still lose my temper too often :0(  We'll get there, baby steps.  Last week I finished reading "the Peacegiver."  It really opened my eyes to how we each need the Savior and how He is always there to bring us peace.  I pray that I can petition the Lord more often to help me fight the inner battles that I face.  I'm grateful how the temple helps to give us a much broader and eternal perspective and reminds me that it's all worth it.  Now I just need to keep that focus on a daily basis...

True and Living God.

Lately I've been dealing with a lot of anxiety, worry...depression is probably in the mix.  Generally just not wanting to face my challenges and instead trying to escape them.  But you can run, but not hide, eh?  In any case, the other day I was having a moment of frustration and unlocked my phone to check my email.  Without consciously realizing it I was instantly sucked in to a myriad of ads, things that seemed to call for my little allowance, things that I never knew I had always wanted ;0)  Next I opened Facebook and felt barraged by a slew of opinions, happenings, frustrations, politics, and so on.  For whatever reason this time in particular struck me differently than most times and I desired to wade through the worldly and find my faithful, all-knowing and loving Father.  After all He is the true and living God.  He is the one who can safely guide me through the whirlwinds and storms of life.  I was grateful for that moment of clarity and hope that I my desires can be changed and that I can more often to turn to Him and not to the alternative.

My load, My legacy.

There is something about moving to Illinois that has got me pondering the Mormon Pioneers.  While getting ready for our special pioneer dutch oven dinner tonight, I've been thinking about all those who have gone before me to pave the way.  I really can't imagine what those early pioneers had to endure: being persecuted, losing loved ones, being forced to move from place to place, bringing only that which they could tote with them, persevering through sickness, extremity of weather and temperature.  Today as I think of them and all of my other predecessors who have gotten me to this point in my life, I feel a reverence and respect.  It humbles me to think that someday I will join their ranks, what legacy will I have left?  What will great grandma Sarah be remembered for?  The load I bear may not be physical, but there is nonetheless adversity that I face.  Often times it is emotional baggage that weighs me down and causes me to falter.  But if they could face such obstacles day after day, with faith in {almost} every footstep, so can I.  I hope that my gift to my posterity (and my ancestors) will be that I never gave up, that I pressed forward every day, having faith that all was well.

like the Widow's mites.

About a week and a half ago we found our house!! (More details to come...) We are beyond thrilled :0)
After getting home from our house hunting trip we were all on cloud nine.  One morning while getting ready I was looking around our upstairs bathroom and thinking, "wow, I can't wait to leave this dingy bathroom behind."  Right then an impression entered my mind.  I thought of the Widow and her two mites.  Compared to other people, those two mites amounted to very little, but they were what she had to give, and she gave them lovingly and willingly.  I thought of our apartment being that widow and although older and smaller and lacking in many ways, our apartment had given us its very best. Sure it's been tight and caused MANY moments of frustration, it hasn't had every convenience that I would have liked, but it has given us its all and I am grateful.