30 August 2014
Last week on the morning of our 7th anniversary we got a positive on a pregnancy test. We were hoping to get pregnant and were both very excited to find out such news on such a special day! As the week went on, still glowing inwardly about my pregnancy, I was also bracing for the impending morning sickness. Usually I have about a week before the nausea hits. This time round it was five days. Today is Sunday, just a little over a week since our anniversary and 3 1/2 days down, 53 1/2 to go before I'll probably feel much relief. I rarely throw up, and haven't yet, but it feels like I'm living with the flu all day long. Sometimes sleep is an escape, if the waves of nausea don't keep me awake. In any case, this is the start of a very challenging season for me. I feel bad even mentioning it because I know there are a myriad women who would be magnificent mothers but who are unable to get pregnant. There are women who get pregnant and deal with extreme sickness and even hospitalization for much if not all of their pregnancy. And still there are the individuals who deal with chronic pain and sickness for years and years of their lives :0( Maybe in light of that knowledge I am trying to be more of a fighter this time around...fight to do more than moan and complain, fight to see the joy, fight to see past my own discomfort, fight to do more than just survive, fight to come to know my God better.
This morning as I was crying to Bry, already feeling overwhelmed by the prospects of the next few months, I received an email from a friend where she shared an answered prayer and thanked me for being an example of faith and living with happiness. I laughed out loud and said, if only she could see the pathetic state I'm in now, not really an example of faith or happiness. Little did my friend know that she was infusing ME with the faith that I needed today.
A few hours later I received a family email that Grandpa Stevenson had sent out with advice for his family. It included some words about learning with joy. What timely advice!
I was just watching a few Mormon Messages and came across one that I've seen a handful of times, about
Nie Nie's (Stephanie Nielson) new life after her plane crash. I was struck by the way that she said she is not her body, but particularly touched by the quote at the end by Elder Holland about how we may be the closest to God when we are suffering. It got me thinking about a question I've asked myself hundreds of times, why does first trimester have to be SO challenging?! The answer that came to my mind is that it is a time of sanctification. Bringing a child into the world is such a holy and sacred thing. The first few months can either be a time of extreme discomfort or a time of coming to the Lord through our discomfort.
It also makes me think of fasting. Each time our stomach grumbles in protest and hunger, it can remind us of the wonderful blessings we are petitioning the Lord for. Each wave of nausea can remind me of the wonderful blessing the Lord is preparing me to receive. I guess like labor, I can either submit to the process and let it work the necessary changes within me or I can fight against it.
I think it'll be important to fill my spare time with uplifting things. Here are a few other such things I've come across today and wanted to include:
I just read a quote in the September 2014 Ensign by Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf,
“We can choose
to be grateful, no
matter what.
“This type of
gratitude tran-
scends whatever is
happening around
us. It surpasses disappointment,
discouragement, and despair. It
blooms just as beautifully in the icy
landscape of winter as it does in the
pleasant warmth of summer. . . .
“. . . In pain, we can glory in Christ’s
Atonement. In the cold of bitter sor-
row, we can experience the closeness
and warmth of heaven’s embrace.”
President Dieter F. Uchtdorf, Second Counselor
in the First Presidency, “Grateful in Any
Circumstances,” Ensign, May 2014, 75.
Also a little clip on
Tessa, a woman who is battling cancer for the second time and finding God in the process.
In any case, I pray that I can allow this process to sanctify me.
7 September 2014
Wow, we made it through a whole week! WHAT A WEEK.
Basically Monday to Thursday I spent most of my time lying on the couch downstairs, trying to escape the extreme nausea and my extremely upset stomach through sleep. The days crept by and I seriously wanted to die and cried to Bry every day that I didn't know how long I could keep it up. Tuesday morning my SWEET visiting teacher Andrea watched the kids all morning, put the boys down for naps and read with Brie til almost 3. Thursday morning she was lined up to come again to take the boys to her place for the day. I was feeling so crummy, weak, tired and hopeless. Bry decided to email my family to announce the news so they could be aware of what was going on and so they could call and cheer me up. He also called my OB's nurse and left a message telling her about the fever going on almost a week and how sick I was feeling. I talked to Rach and Mom and it was so great to have their support and love and hear their voices. Rach even played her ukele and sang to me. The nurse called back and advised that I go to instacare. Andrea ended up dropping the boys off at my other visiting teacher, Dusty's house where they stayed all day!! What angels, eh? Then she came and picked me up to take me to instacare. It definitely was not instant care, it was 2 1/2 hours from arrival til we walked out the doors. The PA couldn't find any other signs or sickness or infection, so he thought the fever must be from a virus I was fighting. But he did find ketones in my urine and asked when I had eaten last. I told him that I had eaten a saltine just a few minutes earlier. He said, "no, when did you last eat a meal?" I laughed, a meal...probably Sunday. I had been feeling so horrible and sick that I could barely tolerate an occasional saltine, sipping powerade and an occasional few bites of trail mix to get trace amounts of protein. He told me that I needed to eat and I told him that my constant nausea was making it nearly impossible. Thankfully he prescribed me with an anti-nausea, ondansetron and advised that I be on the BRAT diet for a little while. We left and sweet Andrea filled my prescription, dropped me off at home, did our dishes, tidied up the kitchen, started laundry, went to the store to get yogurt, white bread and applesauce, dropped the items back off, picked up Brie from school then the boys, took them back to her place til Bry was done at ISU, picked him up and dropped them all off at home. She was definitely on God's errand, I was so grateful that she had been my angel for the day!!
The ondansetron helped a lot that afternoon, I felt so much better. And some supplements arrived from my mom! Thursday was a ray of hope in a dark, hard week.
Unfortunately the medicine hasn't been helping as much since. For a lot of the weekend I've had a lot of nausea and my stomach still feels like it is working overtime. I am trying to be more normal, but usually don't last very long before I find myself lying down again. It's been discouraging. It's so hard to see how tired and worn out Bry is yet know that I don't have much to give.
Friday night we watched part of Despicable Me in bed. We were streaming it on Amazon and it froze mid movie and I wasn't feeling very good so we called it a night and went to bed. At 3AM we were both wide awake. Per request Bry made us cheese toast and we ate it in bed while talking and talking. It was like my ailments were suspended for an hour and it was so nice to enjoy some down time together. It was a funny blessing :0)
Last night we were up late for a scheduled "financial planning " google chat and it had left me completely spent, sick and exhausted. This morning I was not feeling good and couldn't imagine getting showered and ready let alone going to church and sitting for 3 hours :0/ so I stayed home. My co-teacher, Stacee, so graciously said that she would teach sunbeams and go with the flow depending on how I felt each Sunday. I hope to regain some stamina so I can start going again. In any case, I watched Elder Bednar's talk on #ShareGoodness and some great MormonMessages, including He will Uplift us. It was really inspiring and reminded me that it can always be worse and of the countless people who happily endure great trials on a regular basis. I've been trying to get a good dose of uplifting media as I've been down this week. That has helped, not to mention my awesome family who has buoyed me up through conversation. I sure love each of them!! When I came upstairs today around 4:40 I realized that I hadn't ever taken my second dose of Ondansetron and was feeling pretty good considering. The thought came to me of how we had asked our families to fast and pray for us, and that their faith was working in my behalf. What a blessing.
I am not sure how things are going to be. I still feel very incapable of keeping up with all of my normal responsibilities, yet I know that Bry can't play mom and dad for much longer. He is already worn out :0/ We feel like we need to reach out to our ward family and neighbors to enlist their help. My co-teacher for sunbeams was so sweet and said that it was no problem for her to just roll with the punches. I messaged a fellow young mom, Meghan (who had told me about the high school preschool where both her son and Alex will be attending), if she would be able to take and pick him up for the next while. She said that it would be no problem and was grateful that I had asked for her help. She seriously made me cry. We've talked once at church yet she is so willing to help us out! What a blessing!! I have a hard time asking these people who barely know us for help, but it's helping to humble me and I feel like it'll be important to establish connections and friendships and vital to get us through this phase. Ah, the things that life's challenges teach you, eh?
16 September 2014
I reached the 7 week mark on Sunday and it felt like such an accomplishment! But not an individual victory, very much a group effort. Aside from everything Bry's been doing to help out, a neighbor in the ward dropped Brie off for school several times, and our awesome next door neighbors have either picked Brie up from school (when it's been raining) or their 3 boys have walked Brie home from school. That has been a huge blessing and has allowed me to let the boys sleep later in the afternoon and also allows me more liberty to nap while they're napping. Those same neighbors also brought us dinner one night AND the husband (Bill) helped Bry move our big couch down from my craft room into the family room so that I'd have a place to rest on the main level. They have been super! Then there were my amazing visiting teachers. Dusty came over for a play date, listened to my woes, made lunch for the kids, did my dishes and got the boys down for naps while also keeping an eye on her two youngest. And Andrea came over and cleaned our bathrooms and kitchen and tidied up the house so it would be nice for my mom coming into town. She also coordinated with the youth leaders at church to have young men and young women sign up if they could come play with the kids for 1 1/2 hours on certain days. At least a dozen youth signed up....I was so touched by their willingness to help out. It ended up that I only enlisted their help for one day, but 2 sisters came and with smiles on their face and without asking a question they played with the kids while I rested upstairs. What angels! And yes, my Mom decided to come out for 4 days to help out. She helped to drop people off, ran errands, prepared food, made dinner (in crock pots on the front porch so that the smell wouldn't permeate the house all day), did laundry and dishes, cleaned, played with the kids, rubbed my feet, let me rest, kept me company. What a mom!! It's crazy that we're halfway through September already. I am also grateful that time is ticking along, but am amazed as I reflect and see how blessed I've been. Really I've been spoiled, but am grateful for all of the help! When my mom was in town I was telling her how I felt so silly asking for help. You never hear of people asking for help during first trimester. She asked if I thought I could do it without their help....I quickly admited that no, I really couldn't have. How can I run a household and take care of 3 small children when I can barely get out of bed? At that moment I couldn't even imagine doing the dishes, making meals, doing the laundry, keeping the house in order, taking Brie to and from school, and entertaining 2 energetic and busy boys day in and day out. All that being said, thankfully things are looking up! Bry's sister Beth mentioned having used an acid reducer with her last pregnancy and how much it'd helped with her nausea and upset stomach. I decided to give that a try instead of the ondansetron (that was severely constipating me) and it has seemed to work so much better!! What a HUGE blessing! I still have waves of nausea, especially if I haven't snacked in awhile, but it's nothing like the constant churning acid or the near-constant waves of nausea that were hitting me. I am SO grateful. Every day is different but mornings are generally still pretty crummy, but usually the afternoons and evenings are a bit better. Like yesterday afternoon, I felt up to playing with the kids after school, making a simple dinner and cleaning the kitchen. That was a BIG improvement from the last few weeks.
One thing that has been on my mind is learning to have more compassion for those who deal with ongoing or chronic sicknesses. I can't imagine the cross that they bear. It makes me think of the Savior and how He suffered all things so that we wouldn't have to suffer alone. What love!
19 September 2014
Have I mentioned that my younger brother (22yrs) Tim is here for two weeks because he wanted to help out? I'm pretty sure I have the best little brothers in the world :0) Yesterday I was feeling pretty crummy and felt discouraged after having felt so great the evening before. I was starting to feel sorry for myself and frustrated but somehow this phrase came to mind, "I'm grateful..." I started completing the sentence to myself, "I am grateful that my body works as well as it does, I am grateful that it is doing what it's supposed to be doing, I am grateful I can see, I am grateful for the sunshine, I am grateful for my kids, I am grateful for everyone who is helping me." I realized that although feeling sick seemed to turn my world upside down that in reality it was the only thing that seemed amiss with everything else that was going right. It was an important thought process for me to have. I still felt crummy for a lot of the day, but it got my mind thinking differently. This morning as I knelt by my bed I thanked Heavenly Father for several things I was grateful for and also asked that I wouldn't be so scared of feeling sick and that I could be blessed to let things come and be more positive. Tim, who is a cancer survivor, has been telling me how important it is to think good thoughts and to focus on good things.
While on that note, I wanted to include a link to a music video that Em shared with Matt and Matt shared with me last week. It was so touching to me to see these individuals who were dealing with so much physical pain and seemed so downtrodden, but who kept with it and were victorious. I love that the overall message is about Christ helping us to overcome. In fact, I'm going to copy and paste the lyrics, I think they're worth reading:
Overcomer by
Mandisa
Staring at a stop sign
Watching people drive by
T Mac on the radio
Got so much on your mind
Nothing's really going right
Looking for a ray of hope
Whatever it is you may be going through
I know He's not gonna let it get the best of you
[Chorus:]
You're an overcomer
Stay in the fight ‘til the final round
You're not going under
‘Cause God is holding you right now
You might be down for a moment
Feeling like it's hopeless
That's when He reminds You
That you're an overcomer
You're an overcomer
Everybody's been down
Hit the bottom, hit the ground
Ooh, you're not alone
Just take a breath, don't forget
Hang on to His promises
He wants You to know
[Chorus]
The same Man, the Great I am
The one who overcame death
He's living inside of You
So just hold tight, fix your eyes
On the one who holds your life
There's nothing He can't do
He's telling you
(Take a breath, don't forget
Hang on to His promises)
[Chorus]
You're an overcomer
You're an overcomer
You're an overcomer
So don't quit, don't give in, you're an overcomer
Don't quit, don't give in, you're an overcomer
Don't quit, don't give in, you're an overcomer
You're an overcomer
20 October 2014
We dropped Em, our last visitor, off at the airport yesterday afternoon and I couldn't help but be amazed that in a few days we will officially be done with first trimester AND feel such gratitude for each person who came to visit us and see us through. Mémé came, then Uncle Tim, followed by Grandpa & Nana Julz. They flew out on a Tuesday morning and Bompa & Mémé and Grauntie Elaine flew in that night. Then Aunt Emmie came. Between all of them we had people to here to help for six weeks! At certain points, I was fighting back inner feelings of embarrassment, feeling like an anomaly and a wimp for requiring so much assistance. But thankfully the spirit got through to me during a conversation with Julia and I felt the Lord telling me that in His wisdom He had arranged things so I would be surrounded with family and infused with love and support at this time. That was a sweet spiritual confirmation to have. I realized that although I was needing help physically (running errands, doing laundry, cleaning, cooking, playing with the kids) that I was even more deficient emotionally. Having lived away from home for 4 years, supporting Dad through a rigorous PhD program, taking care of 3 small children, then saying goodbye to all of my St. Louis friends, being transplanted to a new state, Dad still working to complete his dissertation while bearing the heavy load as a first time professor, my little buddy Brie being gone all day at full-day Kindergarten and spending all day with my two busy little boys with very little adult interaction...in August I had reached a low and was really battling with depression and anxiety. One of the lessons I've been learning the last few months is that it's OK to be honest with ourselves, to recognize when we can't do it alone and to accept help. It's when we realize we can't do it alone that we open our hearts to the love and support of others. What a sweet outpouring of love I have received! How grateful I am that the Lord was wiser than me, that He sees what's ahead and can prepare us accordingly.
Last week I went in for my 12 week check up. Dr. Dameron couldn't find the heart beat for almost a minute. I was holding my breath, hoping so much that the baby was still alive...and then the heart beat came through. I was so relieved and grateful. But I have to tell you, for all of you who have gone through miscarriages, I can't imagine the heart break that must be. My heart goes out to you! And for those of you who never heard a heart beat because you were never able to get pregnant, my heart goes out to you! And for those of you who ache because you long to be married, or have lost your husband or are struggling with your own sicknesses or pains or trials of any kind, my heart goes out to you. Through my relatively small trials of late I have come to have a better understanding of the compassion the Savior has for each of us. He suffered all things so He would know how to bring each of us comfort and peace, in a very personal, individual and real way. He knows you and loves you, I testify of that!!
